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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Old Paintings and Piningsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stonewashblues
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 18/7/6
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 711
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 762



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOld Paintings and Piningsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I want to fall in love with Little Boy Blue,
    thread a thousand flower stems together
    and fall off the edge of the world, holding on
    to the chain I've made of strange daisies.

    I want to spin there, while his kisses blow by
    and tease me like late summer cross-winds.
    I want to marry him in a leafy cathedral
    scattered with berries and white stars.

    Perhaps I'll be his Pink Girl in wind-swept cotton,
    carressing his lips like a gold-plated bugle.
    Perhaps I'll be faithful and as patient
    as a little boot-strapped dog...

    or maybe he'll find another portrait he likes better,
    and I'll just be another lonely girl imitating Art.




    Submitted on 2009-12-14 22:46:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is so pretty and sad. Pretty, because it's all art and oilpainted children's faces. Sad, because everything beautiful is utterly destructible.

    Perhaps I'll be faithful and as patient
    as a little boot-strapped dog...

    these lines make me so.... annoyed? haha and that's not a bad thing. it characterizes the speaker well. but at the same time, it's so... stereotypical? lovestruck girl chasing after boy like a puppy? hm. ha but anyway. i DO think it works with the piece. i'm just disgruntled


    one thing i wish you'd done more of, is continue the flower/plant imagery. the first two stanzas are absolutely spilling over with it, but you abandon it for no good reason. it reminds me of ophelia, going mad and drowning in a haze of flowers. and for love too. (i don't really believe that, but it sounds tragically romantic, so i like it well enough ;)

    i really do love these:

    ...thread a thousand flower stems together
    and fall off the edge of the world, holding on
    to the chain I've made of strange daisies.

    I want to marry him in a leafy cathedral
    scattered with berries and white stars.


    golly
    | Posted on 2009-12-18 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
      YOu paint such a lovely picture here. The words you chose fit perfectally with the poingnancy of the piece. The metre is a little off, but the power of your words pull it together. I am very happy to have read this and it is going straight to my favs.

    yours in Christ
    Ben
    | Posted on 2009-12-16 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]


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