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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Acetylene Bluedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 429
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 887



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAcetylene Bluedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A Look
    Across the way
    No refrain
    Just power

    Her eyes
    Like Arctic fire
    The middle
    The hottest part
    Acetylene Blue
    Burn
    Branding me



    Staring,

    Into my soul

    Steadily Glowing

    with infinite question,

    infinite answers,

    infinite bricks

    in an infinite wall



    She gives

    with a look

    Takes

    with a breath



    I fear her

    I need her

    Those eyes

    Like stars

    Call me

    Always away

    To her

    Across the years



    She gives

    She takes

    Acetylene Blue




    Submitted on 2009-12-17 01:39:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WARNING: I'm really tired and hungry, so I'm going to be tough on you. Um, sorry.

    If you're willing to revise it I would be really interested to see what happens. It's a very interesting start and some phrases stick out, for example "infinite bricks," "always always," "arctic fire," and, of course, "acetylene blue."
    Your capitalization seems a little weird at times, and I don't completely agree with your spacing--very much a preference thing, of course, but it seems somehow inconsistent.
    First and foremost this gives an impression of an intensity and strong emotion, but I feel that there's a story behind the poem that might be even better material than the emotion itself. I think you should take the memory or experience this is based on and just write it down as clearly as you can. Then use that as a jumping-off point to express the emotion behind the action. Tell us the story; we're interested and we want to know that you trust us. Start specific and end cosmic.
    Am I being confusing? I feel like I'm being confusing. Whatever.
    Anyway I think you should revise this. It's a great start, a great inspiration, and I what to see what it ends up looking like. "Acetylene Blue" is a fantastic title and creates an immediate image in a reader's mind. You have some great material here; work with it.
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by Hecate | [ Reply to This ]


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