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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: magician's trickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 530
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1014



    Description:
       do you see me

    edited 11-1-10 thanks to daniel for the advice.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmagician's trickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    now you see me...

          shooting pool at LeAnne's
          practically painted into these pants
          surrounded by drunken fans

    now you don't...

          kissing strangers in a bar
          losing my bra in some guy's car
          called himself the cherry street czar

    now you see me...

          swabbing wounds and wiping asses
          helping Mr. K. find his glasses
          working late and missing classes

    now you don't...

          sneaking soldiers off the post
          back to my place so we can all roast
          playing hostess without a host




    Submitted on 2009-12-18 01:26:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sometimes the real self is shy, like a cat in a mildly threatening atmosphere; it won't really come out until the right environment is present!

    This poem brilliantly walks around the very human question that each of us has been tormented with time and again in our lives and it is "who am I and what am I doing here"?
    | Posted on 2010-03-29 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      pretty good but u lost me whats goin on with the soldiers
    | Posted on 2010-01-28 00:00:00 | by drkpayne | [ Reply to This ]
      I was drawn in to this almost immediately and I'd like to say that it had nothing to do with the line about pants being practically panted on but...

    but yeah,

    i like that it's sort of a bit seedy which makes it a bit like watching a documentary.

    for me the rhyme is a bit close and this makes it feel a bit forced in places:

    look in the mirror and see is a ghost

    but that's for you to work out or not. I'm sure you could. I also liked that this piece wasn't one note in that it touched on some everyday stuff too.

    If it were mine i'd drop the fourth rhyme of each set and just give it a loose ending so that there's more space... if your rhythm is good it with carry the change.

    i liked it and think it could polish up well depending on how much you work at it.


    | Posted on 2009-12-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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