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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Emily learns to Flydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 623
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1389



    Description:
       Runes said Emily grew wings....

    First she had to learn to fly...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEmily learns to Flydots
    -------------------------------------------


    She sits, singing by the bed
    where daddy chained her down.
    Shakes subside to quivering
    when he stares, watching, waiting.
    Undenounced.

    The flowers by the window never die.
    Her only hope at sanity
    immortalised in plastic.
    Why should she cry
    when they are always smiling?

    He grunts, pleased.
    Her song almost over
    signals his turn for fun.
    This ritual has grown
    all too familiar.

    She thinks back to a time
    of puppies and dresses, ribbons.
    A time where freedom meant
    running in the rain.
    A time that never existed
    keeps her mind away
    from his sweaty hands,
    his force.

    The ragged corners of her mind
    grows smaller each second,
    unable to accept another split
    of herself.
    She is the flower that never sleeps.
    The blossom so numb.

    Then one day Emily grew wings.
    She kept on smiling
    when he slapped her around.
    Her sky blue eyes never fluttered
    as he stood on her chest,
    forcing a response.

    Insanity lends escape,
    a metamorphosis of sorts.
    She no longer swims
    inside
    her shell.


    Finally free.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-12-18 04:16:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      She thinks back to a time
    of puppies and dresses, ribbons.
    A time where freedom meant
    running in the rain.
    A time that never existed
    keeps her mind away
    from his sweaty hands,
    his force.

    I think generally it's just a little basic, the contrast in this section for example has no subtlety

    and my suggestion, and it is only that, for the whole piece would be that it's better the closely examine this (and narrate) from the first person perspective.

    it's not raw at present and so when you hinge statements off of comparisons like the puppy one it's a bit watered down.

    I guess I'm saying that metaphorically it's nice

    but when that sort carry on happens it changes the meaning of puppies and the like.

    The sprouting of wings, for example: you tell us she did this, but where's the metamorphisis? It's kind of like a piano composition that expects you or me to play. I can't... and i guess I'm asking you to ask that of yourself in the writing.

    What makes her situation different from anyone elses, how is it personal to her, how did she fight out of it, and the answers are locked in phrasing that needs to be honed sharper than this.

    hope that's useful, i'm nottrying to knock anything down here, because this should be a gut wrencher.
    | Posted on 2009-12-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      hey clayman,

    i think that the intent is good but when reading this it all seemed a bit obvious and manufactured in the way where it's easier to buy chocolate than to make it yourself.

    You could argue that both sets of people are chocolate lovers (forgive the ungoing analogy)
    but there is a distinction.

    Because of that, these words seem too easily won, so much so that i don't buy it, though i appreciate where it's coming from and that it may well have cost you a pound or two of flesh to write it.

    this is like made for tv 'family' movie where on another channel sally field is living 'flowers in the attic'

    it needs to be more imo.
    | Posted on 2009-12-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful... absolutely beautiful. I'm so proud and honored I inspired this... I read it earlier and was like, Whoa! It, and you, are totally Awesome!

    I love the opening 2 lines, they are so attention-grabbing and hook you in.

    Shakes subside to quivering
    when he stares, watching, waiting.
    Undenounced.

    Yes, exactly.

    The next lines just blew me away:

    unable to accept another split
    of herself.
    She is the flower that never sleeps.
    The blossom so numb.

    That is so tender in a quietly-mad-and-coloring-purple kind of way. It's one of those ruined portraits that makes you say, if I had to be ruined, it would be in those shades...

    People never plan their own ruin, they're always blindsided and devastated when it happens. Even when they're the ones creating it by sticking around, you know?

    Yeah, you know, or you couldn't have written this :)



    | Posted on 2009-12-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


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    181227

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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