She thinks back to a time
of puppies and dresses, ribbons.
A time where freedom meant
running in the rain.
A time that never existed
keeps her mind away
from his sweaty hands,
I think generally it's just a little basic, the contrast in this section for example has no subtlety
and my suggestion, and it is only that, for the whole piece would be that it's better the closely examine this (and narrate) from the first person perspective.
it's not raw at present and so when you hinge statements off of comparisons like the puppy one it's a bit watered down.
I guess I'm saying that metaphorically it's nice
but when that sort carry on happens it changes the meaning of puppies and the like.
The sprouting of wings, for example: you tell us she did this, but where's the metamorphisis? It's kind of like a piano composition that expects you or me to play. I can't... and i guess I'm asking you to ask that of yourself in the writing.
What makes her situation different from anyone elses, how is it personal to her, how did she fight out of it, and the answers are locked in phrasing that needs to be honed sharper than this.
hope that's useful, i'm nottrying to knock anything down here, because this should be a gut wrencher.