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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Settling Leavesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mr.Ordinary
    ASL Info:    21/M/Navy
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 64/102/41
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 688
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 834



    Description:
       i know this sounds sad, much like i am, but i was just thinking how much i miss her, not how sad i am. hope you like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSettling Leavesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Of all the summers i have seen
    and all the winter snows
    so many thoughts i have had
    that no one surely knows

    of all the things i have lost
    and the things i have found
    so few things left to me
    can still ring truly sound

    of the things i am made of
    and surly you are too
    so many things left to say
    that i wish that you knew

    of all the times i called out
    and waited awake for you
    so far away from me
    this burning feeling is new

    of all the pain in my heart
    and even in my soul
    so hot i cannot even
    cool down the burning coals

    of all the turning leaves that fall
    and stop to settle down
    so i yearn for you
    to banish my sad frown




    Submitted on 2009-12-18 14:09:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      ill fix the spelling errors, speeling is not one of my skills, i just like to write poetry, it annoys some people but those arnt the people i write for. im glad you like it. its one of my favorites. its about a girl i once dated that i still wish was mine, ya i know typical. but she is perfect, my loss. but ya thanks for your insight
    | Posted on 2010-09-03 00:00:00 | by Mr.Ordinary | [ Reply to This ]
      Most of your poems seem sweet and simple. I also have a love for short, to the point pieces that don't beat around the bush or force a person to guess.

    Your style is different. That is good. But I have also noticed a few spelling errors, and I wonder, do you do this on purpose, to add to what you're saying, or is it unintentional?

    In this case, I think the word you were looking for is "surely," which is significant here because "surly" has another meaning. If you can imagine a pirate with a twisted expression growling everything he says, that is being surly. I think you also meant "yearn."

    However the flow is consistent, with the exception of "so hot i can't even," which could be easily fixed by changing can't to cannot. You keep your content accessible to all ages by way of the basic language you have chosen. In this case, it does not take away from what you're trying to say. You leave me with a bittersweet feeling, yet I also detect a still-present sense of fun, despite the sad tone.

    The best you can do is be true to yourself and your style, no matter what people say. Being original can go a long way.

    Take Care,
    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-08-28 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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