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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: left shaken in a memory never feltdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dark Dann
    ASL Info:    18/ Male/ San Diego
    Elite Ratio:    6.44 - 78/67/53
    Words: 324
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1225
    Average Vote:    4.4000
    Bytes: 2064



    Description:
       yeah...just got dumped...this was my way of letting it out.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsleft shaken in a memory never feltdots
    -------------------------------------------


    This is what my love creates?
    My heart sings a song and it waits.
    Left shaken in a memory never felt
    My mind regresses; and my soul transgresses.
    As you lie there, thousands of miles away;
    your thoughts filled with fear and doubts,
    my soul travels to you;
    you may not feel it, but there it exist.
    Trying to shield you, in vain.

    And as it travels back in shame;
    it brings the pain;
    oh, the ever too familiar pain;
    will it ever leave me?
    Will I ever be enough.

    Perfection is imperfection;
    the saying is old;
    but ever so true.
    You said I was perfect;
    but obviously I was flawed.
    Right from the start;
    living in the dark.

    As I lie here in this cold dead room;
    I am reminded of the reasons that never came.
    And the familiar pain that follows the hate.
    Why must dreams shatter?
    And the pieces scatter
    hiding well within the sand;
    and never will fit in my hand
    again; left shaken in a memory never felt.
    our lips never touched;
    but my heart was always there.
    And I will always love you; I swear.

    And although my words can't travel thousand of miles;
    and although my mind can't be there with you;
    my soul will always be there;
    left in your arms to tear apart
    even more than ever before.

    And even without a soul; my mind holds on,
    to this bittersweet feeling;
    that is now all gone
    Nothing but memories;
    love never felt.
    You say it was lie;
    but I believed every word;
    and I fell in love with your soul.

    Always; and forever
    Holding on to the figment of the past;
    wishing for one more chance.
    But I know it will never come so;
    you made your mind;
    and I bless your soul.
    For making me feel alive;
    for those two months;
    even though I now feel gone.




    Submitted on 2009-12-19 21:19:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. Your words are...lovely. They're painful, but lovely. I can't say I've ever had such an experience, but you must have been so very hurt when- and I'm hoping I understand this- this person did not return your feelings. I guess I should say that even though I have never felt something like this, I can feel that pain, what almost feels like hopelessness. But, Dann, I'm also getting a sense that, even though it hurts, you don't regret loving this person. I think that's the most beautiful part, and perhaps the most striking.

    If I have to offer any critique, it's just that I think you have a few misplaced endings. Not that I would have used different words, just that it seems there are a few where you've dropped an s or something. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not- like I said, I don't understand much about poetry.
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by Tisuna | [ Reply to This ]
      "This is what my love creates?
    My heart sings a song and it waits.
    Left shaken in a memory never felt
    My mind regresses; and my soul transgresses.
    As you lie there, thousands of miles away;
    your thoughts filled with fear and doubts,
    my soul travels to you;
    you may not feel it, but there it exist.
    Trying to shield you, in vain."


    Your rhyming scheme is off, you're not to consistent in this. Plus this seems something only very few could understand cause you're very vague, and your wording is slightly confusing to the average reader.

    Though the pain that you wish to convey is there, I mean there are no doubts when you start reading that this is a poem about heartbreak n such. so that's a good thing

    "And as it travels back in shame;
    it brings the pain;
    oh, the ever too familiar pain;
    will it ever leave me?
    Will I ever be enough."

    I don't think the "And" should be placed here,
    "As it travels back in shame;" seems to read better with your following sentence n such. "Oh" should be stricken, when you try to take a Shakespearean type write, and you do so after you already started off, it gives it a horribly corny edge that takes away from the depth you were starting to create.

    You state basic emotions here, the whole "lets show the world the insecurities that lay beneath" but you lay it out in basic english as well. I'd suggest you amp up your words.

    Example:

    Dark: the shadowy ink stained depths of hell slowly grew over the earth as finally the black cancer of night has descended.

    See? Instead of saying "It grew dark out" I amped up my words and it made for a more interesting read.

    "Perfection is imperfection;
    the saying is old;
    but ever so true.
    You said I was perfect;
    but obviously I was flawed.
    Right from the start;
    living in the dark."

    Now you're starting to rhyme again, you may want to look in keeping your poem one way. Cause if you throw a bunch of mixes into this, it will just turn out...well not so good >.>

    This is semi bland and I don't really see against all the negative stanzas you have in here, why this is needed, it's as if you wanted to draw out your emotion but i believe it semi works against you. I mean it's good don't get me wrong, but with all the stuff you have in this, it seems to stand out...does that make sense?

    "As I lie here in this cold dead room;
    I am reminded of the reasons that never came.
    And the familiar pain that follows the hate.
    Why must dreams shatter?
    And the pieces scatter
    hiding well within the sand;
    and never will fit in my hand
    again; left shaken in a memory never felt.
    our lips never touched;
    but my heart was always there.
    And I will always love you; I swear."

    I think you restrict yourself with L7. I think a bit of rewording could help this. "Never to fit in my hand again." But like I said before, just play with your words, this all seems some what robotic in a weird way, I don't know how else to explain it. Plus you contradict yourself "left shaken in a memory never felt" that seems vague but not a lot of people reading this will tie this with that special someone online, though it does go perfectly with your situation, it still may leave a new reader wondering what you meant.

    "I will always say love you; I swear"

    do you mean "I love you; I swear" or was this done on purpose? either way...that is my favorite line....

    "And although my words can't travel thousand of miles;
    and although my mind can't be there with you;
    my soul will always be there;
    left in your arms to tear apart
    even more than ever before."

    I think the over used of the word "there" detracts from this as well. Try finding a suitable word to fit in there at some point instead of being

    "blah blah blah there, blah blah there blah, there blah blah blah there." see it sort of dominates your stanza.

    Though it does seem the further along I read the more I'm beginning to like this....interesting.

    "And even without a soul; my mind holds on,
    to this bittersweet feeling;
    that is now all gone
    Nothing but memories;
    love never felt.
    You say it was lie;
    but I believed every word;
    and I fell in love with your soul"

    Oh! one other thing I wanted to point out that involves your other stanzas. You have way to many pauses. It pulls your reader up short when you really want it to flow smoothly and that you have a decent sort of repetition going on to keep their attention.
    instead of having a Morse code moment

    dotdotdotstop
    dotdotstop
    dotdotdotdotstop.

    see what I mean? it's sort of awkward.
    I don't have much to say about this stanza, only this too feels unneeded. Almost like it was an after thought.

    "Always; and forever
    Holding on to the figment of the past;
    wishing for one more chance.
    But I know it will never come so;
    you made your mind;
    and I bless your soul.
    For making me feel alive;
    for those two months;
    even though I now feel gone."

    "so" should be taken out, it's not really needed. You make yourself sound like God when you say "I bless your soul" xD (<3)

    The ending for me was...meh...cause you see, we can read your pain, but that's it. It's strictly all negative, even when you place something positive about how you loved the person, it comes out all negative and its like a bad after taste, you should add a few glimpses of happiness, a memory or something equally poetic, just so your reader will know how tragic this lost love truly is. Try not to force feed us your sadness, have us search it out, and in the end both reader and writer will be rewarded.

    Well I hope I've helped out in some way and that you're not to angry O_O

    with love,
    Nikki
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, i know exactly how that feels...this is an amazing piece. it's definately going to my faves. animeluver... wow really? im sorry but you're gonna have to prove that statement
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by karasunoanei | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought your wording was beautiful, and I am definitely adding this to my favorites. Though I may be young, I know more than you think mister. This poem, or whatever you wish to call it, made me feel sad...and happy that someone else [probably many others] could understand the feelings I have sometimes. The poem was clear to me, nothing confused me in the slightest. I have nothing to critisize, since this reminds me of something I would write: except mine would be so much more unsignificant and stupid. So, well done. I can see the feelings you were trying to express in here; which is a good and important trait for poems. All in all splendid, and I expect more poems in the future! I've got my eye on you old man! :)
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by xAngeliquex | [ Reply to This ]
      I HEAR YA BRUTHA!.
    I know this feeling OH too well. Even with Abbie in the UK now. It's still as if it was before, my heart still longing for her touch and her gentle kiss. Oh if only. Woeist me :].

    I'm liking that. YOU KNOW WHAT. I'm adding it to my favourites.
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by ShadowFang | [ Reply to This ]
      That was such a heart-touching piece! It gave the feel of a forlorn melancholy wishing for those golden days of the past. It was as though the soul could not move past the love still lingering in the heart.
    This piece was enlaced with such strong feeling that really was portrayed well. The reader gets an excellent sense of what emotion is being said. Also, the manner in which it was written seems very fitting. It had a good flow to it.
    I give you many kudos on a job well done.
    Peace, love, some jazz ^_^v
    Ren
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      Aweh. D: This is, more than amazifantastical. I could never ever write something up this heartbreaking without any help. But either way, you did an amazing job. >w< I should really look into poetry.
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by BluePuppet | [ Reply to This ]
      *Stares at Animeluver.* I'mma kill her...

    <.<' Bah! I hate you, writing a better poem then I ever could. *Throws up a thumbs up.* ._. That's all I got, please don't kill me! TT.TT
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by EndOfTheWorld | [ Reply to This ]
      Dude,
    This is seriously amazing. You make people feel exactly what you were going through at this point in time. I think that everyone can relate to this -- even if they haven't even experienced something like it.
    The words you have chosen are beautifully stunning and it's very thoughtful.
    I like it a lot.
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by Pinkcupcakes | [ Reply to This ]
      You paint stunning visuals with words, my friend. I can't choose a favorite part unless I could select the entire entry. This has to go hands down into my top five favorite for poems. Truth.
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by KotaNashi | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty cool, and you wrote it in a way that actually allows the reader to experience the emotions with it, and there's some good visuals too. Well written.
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by Tesana | [ Reply to This ]
      Thas so sad Dann, it made my heart break in two...Its poetry like this that should be published into books.
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by Aylar | [ Reply to This ]
      Animeluver, shut up...you haven't even submitted anything.

    Dann this made me cry. >_> Almost...kinda..
    I feel the pain. Just...*sniffles and favs*
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by Xiallia | [ Reply to This ]
      omfg
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by animeluver | [ Reply to This ]
      i could write betteh
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by animeluver | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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