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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Why?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aylar
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ Oregon
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 4/5/3
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 1113
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1044



    Description:
       There's nothing really to say...Its just what I feel.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhy?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Deceit…Oh please! Don’t let this pain be real! A dream…Its only a dream…I’m going to wake up, and be just fine. But…My heart won’t stop breaking…Please…Let me die. At least then my soul will finally be at peace.


    But alas, no solace. No relief washes over me as I read the letter that has found its way into my hands. Two deaths. Two. The first, is my beloved, and the second will be me. If my beloved does not walk on this luscious, dying Earth, than neither shall I. For what world is this if I am utterly alone? But wait, I am alone. I always have been alone…From the beginning. I see that now. My beloved was never my beloved, but a mass of false energy and life.

    It all was a lie.

    Oh God! Just let me perish into the depths of hell! Let my soul burn in sorrow for the wrong I have caused myself! For living here on earth is no better than in heaven where my Father calls out to me in sadness. My pain is too much to bear. Please…End my suffering with salvation…With the truth.




    Submitted on 2009-12-20 01:40:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      No.


    (that is in fact a period, a mark denoting THE END)

    Let me give you a why. WHY should things change? Because you refuse to accept that which is, and thus your will overrides everything. Okay, then why don't you make it change happen, instead of sitting there wallowing with your morose-D (that is in fact a play on 3-D) vision?

    Anyways, I will stop trying to use sense to abrasively approach your emotions. This is nicely written, at least the feel the write goes for in regards to the emotions in wants to convey.... However, I think you could definitely REFINE this, without that being a revision of your emotions (revision is not a cold, passé type activity). If this poem truly calls upon/evokes your emotions, then you should have no trouble returning to that place. I think something most people don't realize is that, if their poem is based on a feeling, and that they refuse to revise it because they cannot regain that feeling.. then they've failed to truly capture it in their poetry. If that is the case, what difference does it make if you truncate it, extend it, reword it?

    Anyways, things I would look at... [anything in these brackets I think you can improve]..

    dotsWhy?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Deceit…[Oh please! Don’t] let this pain be real! A dream…Its only a dream[…]I’m going to wake up, and be [just fine. But…]My heart won’t stop breaking…[Please…Let me die.] At least then my soul will finally be [at peace.]

    [[But alas, no solace.]] No relief washes over me as I read the letter that has found its way into my hands. Two deaths. Two. The first, is my beloved, and the second will be me. If my beloved does not walk on this [luscious, dying Earth, than neither shall I.] For what world is this if I am utterly alone? [[But wait, I am alone.]] I always have been alone…[From the beginning. I see that now.] My beloved was never my beloved, but a mass of [false] [energy] and life.

    It all was a lie.

    Oh God! Just let me perish into the depths of hell! Let my soul burn in sorrow for the wrong I have caused myself! For living here on earth is no better than in heaven where my Father calls out to me in sadness. My pain is too much to bear. Please…End my suffering with [salvation…With the truth.]


    Mostly, I think you could elaborate, specify.. let yourself go deeper into the feeling.. Also think about the impact of certain words (false energy? energy is neutral.. if you believe in karma than it can become good and bad, but even then.. how could it be false? Energy IS or isn't)..

    Etc. etc. etc.

    There's nothing more to say, really, that's just how I felt about your poem.
    Outlaw
    | Posted on 2009-12-20 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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    181279

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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