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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Two pebbles and a corner stone.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Theophilus
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 116/174/95
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1079
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1080



    Description:
       this is very very old.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwo pebbles and a corner stone.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm just a kid with a dream, I want to be nothing. a pebble on the road that important feet kick aside. Kick me aside into the mud, into the scum of the earth. Ill dine with the toads and the crocodiles, I’ll call them friends and they’ll give me crooked smiles.

    There she is under a thorn bush, a hare with a nervous laugh, she quivers at every noise, soft footsteps as important people pass, she shrieks… they call her a tramp, a sinner a whore, they call her scum, but I have a secret Dear, and you wouldn’t believe me if I said it, so ill write it here in the dirt, “You’re beautiful.”

    (And I want to be just like you.) I want to be nothing too. Come lay here with me on the side of the road. The mud on your cheek and in your bangs, I don’t know why but I like it. We sit and watch important feet pass, lean on my chest and sleep. And dream. Darling its okay to dream. We don’t need a Samaritan to help us up, we’re happy to lay here in spilled perfume and tears, and kiss lovely feet.

    And the rocks cry out.




    Submitted on 2009-12-20 20:30:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sometimes I see a title, and my instincts say, Don't read that.... just don't read it. I didn't read this until tonight. It's magnificent.

    Were my senses warning me that I would see my life (self-professed shunner of fortune here), or that I would be so humbled to know I could never measure up (writing-wise) to this piece? I don't know, self-preservation never explains itself when it raises your hair on end, it just makes it fly.

    Like your talent in this, angel-white...



    I love the "rocks cry out" biblical referenced close. It reminds me of those moving ones in Death Valley, Playa Racetrack or something? Wait, I will find it ... God bless You Tube!



    | Posted on 2009-12-27 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      rockstar*
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i feel my convent education may actually help me with this one.... i can see the feet of jesus being washed by tears and perfumed with love. i can see understanding and forgiveness after her life of fear. it must have been pretty awful to have been treated by such contempt by those that were such hypocrites themselves.
    i really like the way you have written this. it is very original. and fresh. i too love the intimacy in this. you have a wonderful talent!
    j
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      everyone seems to be all about mary magdalene this week... isabella wrote an exquisite piece mentioning her too...

    fascinating.

    i like this. i like the forrest gump/bubba 'you lean right up against me and i'll lean back against you and that way we both keep our heads out of the mud' feel you have going on here.

    i like the tenderness
    the way you seem to jump from point of view or person

    i really like this
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this for some reason, and im suprised i even took the time to sit down and read it.

    I like the last paragraph thing the most, i think because the companionship, it reminds me of having a girlfriend by my side, and not caring about anything else as the world passes by.

    Anyways, it was good :)
    Channie
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by dthforeverpain8 | [ Reply to This ]
      also sound and cadence are important things in poetry. i observe, as much as i'm able, that here you have a good ear for both. You let the rhyme and closely simulated sounds fall and then the cadence carries away the words and you don't miss those things but they are returned and you are grateful. (i was)

    'Ill dine with the toads and the crocodiles,'

    here's a nice example of more subtle rhyme

    I'll/dile to/co

    and i think that often the composition of writing is not appreciated here, for me in this particular piece it was a sort of intangible thing that drew me along but also made me want to come back and take a closer look. There's a lot of that going on in this piece.
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I had to chase your lines across the page, but it provided a very interesting reading experience, a more active one than usual, as eyes - mind - fingers tried to keep up with the poem

    and the poem itself is great. There is a certain intimacy and coaxing in the narrative that gives it a curious allure.

    Oh it's okay to be this or that way, a rock in the mud or a hare hiding. Affords a different view.

    I found this to be natural and endearing and reflective.

    If I had any critique it would be on the last line -- that it could, possibly, have a stronger ending.

    Great write. It made for a fresh read.
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      cool format, you have to be a dedicated reader if you want to go on and leave the a comment, because the box presents itself as a difficulty to find.

    i like this, it's real mud country stuff only i don't feel as if the narrator and the hare are on even terms. The hare is ready to flee and is trembling and she seems so past that. I liked the them and the handling of it, it's interesting stuff.
    | Posted on 2009-12-21 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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