Sweet sour by Duke Medhat

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Submission Name: Sweet sour dots

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Author:	Duke Medhat
ASL Info:	21/Male/Egypt
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 58/38/24
Words:	167

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	799
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1041

Description:
Well first of all this is a praise poem for a girl, so you may –or may not– call it a flirtation.
Sweet sour is her nickname and of course YAD is her initials

Sweet sour dots

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In the gods' council nothing is left undone
As they are powerful gods fear no one
But, for the sweet sour, they fear her more than ice fears the sun

She makes Venus jealous, she makes Venus cry
Gods kneel before her when she passes by
We all know that, we all see that but why?

They say, from her face comes a great light
That makes gods forget their might
And makes great warriors forget how to fight

Her eyes are beautiful brownish ambers that shine
Over humans, to draw a line, between what's wrong and what's divine
And over gods, to decides who will stay, and who will resign

They say, her hair is made of golden silk that flies
Spreading love and peace beyond the seven skies
Controlling everything, o wind be wise

O Jupiter, what such entity could be?
O powerful god please tell me
Sweet sour ... Really who is she?
Could she be, the magnificent Y.A.D.?

Submitted on 2009-12-22 08:14:47 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  First, I'd like to thank you for the comment on my poem; and thus I am returning the favor.

This was such a sweet idea in of itself, and whomever it's for is pretty lucky to have such a gorgeous piece for her.
I have to say I'm jealous of the rhyming; whenever I make such an attempt, I always fail. But all-in-all, I say this is a piece well done. You provoke powerful images and feelings in this piece.
Twas lovely to read.

Peace,
Ren
| Posted on 2010-07-13 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
  This is lovely and fun. I bet the girl was pleased.

I like the sweet sour reference. Cute nickname. I would shy away from not leading the reader into an actual explanation of some sort within the poem though. At first I hadn't read your "Description" and I was a bit baffled.

It did remind me of this article I read once about some kind small fruit that is native tropical West Africa that has the color of a cranberry, is shaped kind of like an almond and tastes almost flavorless at first. The interesting thing about this "miracle fruit" is that it makes acidic foods, such as lemons and grapefruits, sweet and candy-like.
After rubbing the pulp against the tongue, the berry, somehow releases a sweetening potency that alters the taste buds.
For about 15 to 30 minutes, everything sour is sweet.

It would be intriguing if you could work some of that into the poem. It would help the reader "get" the reference that this entity is more than a god and maybe even almost tangible--if only briefly. And it may make the poem more understandable without you having to write an explanation.

The only other issues I saw had to do with possible grammar errors.

In line one where you say "In the gods council nothing left undone"

Were you trying to say "In the god's (or gods') council nothing is left undone" ???

Also in the line "That makes gods forget there might"

I'm pretty sure you meant "their might".

Finally toward the end you write "And over gods, to decides who stay, and who resign"

But I think you meant "who stays and who resigns" or "who will stay and who will resign".

Sorry to be so nit picky. It was just a bit distracting for me. I can't help myself. I'm a teacher. ;)

| Posted on 2009-12-30 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
  Sounds like a nice person, so what's in a name?
Flert
| Posted on 2009-12-23 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  So nice to read this poem. It's my favourite topic for verse, too.

Perhaps you need to experiment more with rhyme and metre. Your use of them is talented but still crude. Forgive me please for being forthright, but I'm sure you need to hear that!
| Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.