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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sweet sourdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Duke Medhat
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    5.08 - 58/38/24
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 766
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1041



    Description:
       Well first of all this is a praise poem for a girl, so you may –or may not– call it a flirtation.
    Sweet sour is her nickname and of course YAD is her initials


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSweet sourdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the gods' council nothing is left undone
    As they are powerful gods fear no one
    But, for the sweet sour, they fear her more than ice fears the sun

    She makes Venus jealous, she makes Venus cry
    Gods kneel before her when she passes by
    We all know that, we all see that but why?

    They say, from her face comes a great light
    That makes gods forget their might
    And makes great warriors forget how to fight

    Her eyes are beautiful brownish ambers that shine
    Over humans, to draw a line, between what's wrong and what's divine
    And over gods, to decides who will stay, and who will resign

    They say, her hair is made of golden silk that flies
    Spreading love and peace beyond the seven skies
    Controlling everything, o wind be wise

    O Jupiter, what such entity could be?
    O powerful god please tell me
    Sweet sour ... Really who is she?
    Could she be, the magnificent Y.A.D.?




    Submitted on 2009-12-22 08:14:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      First, I'd like to thank you for the comment on my poem; and thus I am returning the favor.

    This was such a sweet idea in of itself, and whomever it's for is pretty lucky to have such a gorgeous piece for her.
    I have to say I'm jealous of the rhyming; whenever I make such an attempt, I always fail. But all-in-all, I say this is a piece well done. You provoke powerful images and feelings in this piece.
    Twas lovely to read.

    Peace,
    Ren
    | Posted on 2010-07-13 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely and fun. I bet the girl was pleased.

    I like the sweet sour reference. Cute nickname. I would shy away from not leading the reader into an actual explanation of some sort within the poem though. At first I hadn't read your "Description" and I was a bit baffled.

    It did remind me of this article I read once about some kind small fruit that is native tropical West Africa that has the color of a cranberry, is shaped kind of like an almond and tastes almost flavorless at first. The interesting thing about this "miracle fruit" is that it makes acidic foods, such as lemons and grapefruits, sweet and candy-like.
    After rubbing the pulp against the tongue, the berry, somehow releases a sweetening potency that alters the taste buds.
    For about 15 to 30 minutes, everything sour is sweet.

    It would be intriguing if you could work some of that into the poem. It would help the reader "get" the reference that this entity is more than a god and maybe even almost tangible--if only briefly. And it may make the poem more understandable without you having to write an explanation.

    The only other issues I saw had to do with possible grammar errors.

    In line one where you say "In the gods council nothing left undone"

    Were you trying to say "In the god's (or gods') council nothing is left undone" ???

    Also in the line "That makes gods forget there might"

    I'm pretty sure you meant "their might".

    Finally toward the end you write "And over gods, to decides who stay, and who resign"


    But I think you meant "who stays and who resigns" or "who will stay and who will resign".

    Sorry to be so nit picky. It was just a bit distracting for me. I can't help myself. I'm a teacher. ;)



    | Posted on 2009-12-30 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like a nice person, so what's in a name?
    Flert
    | Posted on 2009-12-23 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      So nice to read this poem. It's my favourite topic for verse, too.

    Perhaps you need to experiment more with rhyme and metre. Your use of them is talented but still crude. Forgive me please for being forthright, but I'm sure you need to hear that!
    | Posted on 2009-12-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    181350

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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