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Submission Name: This is all dots

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Author:	poppi
Elite Ratio:	7.47 - 72/55/37
Words:	272

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	659
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1872

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It's pretty sucky, but I haven't posted anything in a long while so I figured it was about time.

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Part of me misses you.
Part of me hates you.
Part of me doesn't believe you are gone.
Part of me loves you.
Part of me feels betrayed.
But most of me mourns you.

A hunger that couldn't be satisfied.
Offered my soul up as the substitute banquent.
You had your fill,
Then Digested me like a pill.
Said you were sick.
And I said it was my fault.

Always been my fault.
All of me believes that last part.
Never doubted it actually.
Too scared to sleep alone,
Too scarred to have anyone I'd call home.
Living in Limbo.

Took a heavy dose of cyanide.
Made it easier,
When you bled me dry.
Pretending now,
That part of me is still alive,
When all of me knows, I'm dead.

Part of me misses you.
Part of me hates you.
Part of me doesn't believe you are gone.
Part of me loves you.
Part of me feels betrayed.
But most of me mourns you.

Lotus flower fingertips.
Picked apart my most sensative sanity.
Disguised as,
What was best at the time.
Why is it,
Justice is always blind?

Smoking gun in your hand.
I'm the murderer.
You've defied physics,
Just for me.
My sweet little nightmare.
My first real needle kiss.

Never existed in your eyes.
Because monsters are make-believe.
Left me hollow inside.
But that couldn't be,
For, as you blamed me,
I began see it was true.

Dirty little monster.
Dirty little hands.
Dirty little dreamer.
But I've got no secret plan
Fade. . .fade away
Most of me just mourns you.

Submitted on 2009-12-29 23:13:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "Too scared to sleep alone,
Too scarred to have anyone I'd call home.
Living in Limbo."

that makes so much sense to me its scary.

this whole poem, every word, actually every one of your poems. theyre all breathtaking.

just so you know, youre brilliant.

dont let anyone tell you differently.
| Posted on 2010-03-23 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]
  Part of me misses you.
Part of me hates you.
Part of me doesn't believe you are gone.
Part of me loves you.
Part of me feels betrayed.
But most of me mourns you.

I think if you removed this part, and the last paragraph, you would have a complete poem.

The first part? The part I copied? That is so strong it tears the rest of your poem apart. It's non-complimentary but it is in sync. It's its own poem. My favorite of the two, in fact, but I'm partial to things that write where I feel I am.

Very nice.
| Posted on 2010-02-08 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
  Here's one for the void.

Part of me misses you.
Part of me hates you.
Part of me doesn't believe you are gone.
Part of me loves you.
Part of me feels betrayed.
But most of me mourns you.

I like the bareness of those lines although I think the last one there... welll it might pay dividends to play around with the wording. It's not As direct as it might be, as if it needs to be more emphatic. Drop the but maybe?... give it some thought anyway.

A hunger that couldn't be satisfied.
Offered my soul up as the substitute banquent.
You had your fill,
Then Digested me like a jagged little pill.
Said you were sick.
And I said it was my fault.

I think it's your job to be brief and when refined down a little then these statements reflect crafting by being somewhat more than the some of their parts... a shoddy example:

my one soul offered up as substitute banquet.

by phrasing it like that you put a value on it which then makes the devouring that much more intrinsicly important.

But you could do simlar things with that whole section. And the Alanis line is a disappointment, but easily fixed. Still the ideas you are working with a grand.

Always been my fault.
All of me believes that last part.
Never doubted it actually.
Too scared to sleep alone,
Too scarred to have anyone I'd call home.
Living in Limbo.

I'm liking the movement in this section but again it doesn't feel as refined and connected as it might be. But maybe it's just that the lines seem to unfold without a cadence to carry them, the natural tone of the narrator (which isn't all that natural as it turns out... because you really have to go over the phrasing time and time again, almost as if it were a speech, sanding out the rough spots until people are lead along the path you've choosen, and for me that's a big part of what I think makes petry halfway successful.

Took a heavy dose of cyanide.
Made it easier,
When you bled me dry.
Pretending now,
That part of me is still alive,
When all of me knows, I'm dead.

I'm liking your rhyme here but refer back to my last observation. 'bled dry' represents some phrasing that might need a new twist.

Part of me misses you.
Part of me hates you.
Part of me doesn't believe you are gone.
Part of me loves you.
Part of me feels betrayed.
But most of me mourns you.

Coming in with the repetition of those lines is a really strong and effective part of the poem, it gives the sentiment a certain validity. I like how you did that.

Basically the poem is there, the sketching... but its all those little details and touches and flourishes with the artist's hand that account for light years of emotiveness, that's clumsy of me, but I'm justsaying the purpose of art/poetry for me is that it should be hard won most times and readers will flock to the kind of stuff that has been folded a thousand times and forged into samurai steel. abla?

sorry for mixing my ethnicities.

ps I'm neither japanese or Ukranian.

ok good.
| Posted on 2009-12-31 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  what is it they say?
justice always blind.

I'd make that change because i feel that's more natural. I understand that's a jerky thing to say straight off the bat but I'm gearing up for work and wanted to leave myself a bookmark.

The 'jagged little pill' is so Alanis I don't think it can survive here.

The repeating lines are killer diller, simple but they seemed to heart-strike me and that's a good thing.

I'll comment further on this, just wanted to say I thought/think it's pretty good.
| Posted on 2009-12-30 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
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5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

181548

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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