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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: New Poetic Rantdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dreamer5009
    ASL Info:    16, Male, USA
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 73/53/28
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 917
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1476



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNew Poetic Rantdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sands of time, flowing at a great speed
    change the course of every need
    They were golden once, but that was then
    I look back now and wonder when.

    When were things that good?
    When had I understood?
    When did it all change?
    When did happiness go out of range?

    Everything used to be swell
    never on suicide did I dwell
    Now it's changed
    My mind now deranged

    If it were as it were then
    Everything perfect as in zen
    I'd be better that way
    Never to frown every day

    I used to daydream it all away
    Always on the ground I lay
    Now I'm different, trapped as a fish
    Now all day long, I wish

    Wish for happiness, never found
    Wish for love, never around
    Wish for Freedom, always at bay
    Wish for death, so I might lay

    If people never think of me
    It'd explain why they're in glee
    Never to view a big mistake
    Hoping my anger not to wake

    But guess what, they did!
    I'm a pissed off kid!
    I hate my life and how I live
    But their attention, they never give

    How can I go on?
    My mind is gone.
    I'm alone in this world
    Everything in my mind, swirled

    I wish for happiness
    Never for this...
    Please help me
    I need to be free




    Submitted on 2010-01-02 17:51:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very strong in the begining. It seems to weaken though. Some of the rhymes are either the wrong fit or worded wrong so that it doesn't flow as well as it could.
    For example:
    "I used to daydream it all away
    Always on the ground I (would) lay
    Now I'm different, trapped (as/like) a fish
    Now all day long, I (can't help but to) wish"

    The 2nd line needs another beat. The 3rd it would sound better as like, but it doesn't really matter which you use. The 4th needs to be longer.

    Be aware of how your poem reads.

    Just some hopefully constuctive words,
    :)Carrie
    | Posted on 2010-01-14 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
      how can one define ones self? with strength. aussi, you are strong. you are amazing. you deserve so much in life. I miss you too. all the time. I think about how you are. Im so sorry about anna. kept hanging on though dear aussi. life will turn around. you always have me. I love you and miss you. yes. Im still with case. we are doing fine. engaged actully. I feel happy with him. i do feel sad when i think about you though. cus I do love you. You are so much more than a friend and you will always be my aussi. I hope you try to see past this. youll be fine.
    Rachi
    | Posted on 2010-01-04 00:00:00 | by PopRocksRae | [ Reply to This ]
      Not commenting on the verse, but just on what it's about:

    There seem to be two themes here. In the first, you complain that things are difficult. I recognize that as the anger that we all feel sometimes because an existence that we have evolved to cope with really doesn't ever make it easy, even on one's birthday! The second theme is that of mental illness and is also very familiar to anybody who has followed a lot of young artists in their works. Not trying to be pompous here (although I seem to be effortlessly succeeding in that anyway), but I reckon there is a sort of borderline where sharing some rude awakenings with one's readers ends quite distinctly, for a list of symptoms chiefly interesting to the medical profession to take its place.

    Well this poem contains both those themes! It's successful because you meant it to do so, as I understand from the title - "rant".

    I think the borderline is just where that trapped feeling develops. Then you need to investigate whether you are approaching clinical depression. That is about as common as the common cold in the nose. Even the pills work, nowadays, and other elements of treatment are more fun than not.

    I've been enjoying art for about fifty years, but not enjoying it when I find the art of the professionally depressed, dysfunctional, addicted, baby-like artists. People like Plath give me the cold shivers because of the cynical choices for self-harm which they have made! Brett Whitely - for many, a great painter. For me, the pathetic waste of one. Well, my reaction represents that of the majority of people, those of us who decide in favour of happiness: philistines who demand of themselves good energy, basic competence, growing compassion etc, and get their illnesses treated as a matter of routine maintenance.

    Thanks for inspiring this long confession! I hope you didn't mind reading it, if indeed you did fead it.
    | Posted on 2010-01-03 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


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