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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: north, though the soul is weary.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 439



    Description:
       about: inspired by the film "vanilla sky".

    feedback: all feedback welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnorth, though the soul is weary.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    though you cease,
    you disappear;
    your heart beat changes frequencies

    though your eyes dim like dusk,
    you fade away;
    your soul goes where fools like me pretend to know

    though only a stone proves your existence,
    a memory remains;
    permanence stubbornly makes an exception

    though no map,
    my heart held like a compass;
    i will find you again




    Submitted on 2010-01-05 17:31:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i havent seen the movie
    nor have i experienced you in forms other than lyrical:

    this is beautiful.

    the title is how im feeling this afternoon. i say this afternoon because i want to isolate the feeling so it doesnt spill into the week ahead... sometimes isolating is a good thing...
    so is forcing the soul despite everything... you know?
    north... where the compass directs....

    god is my north... my point of reference... north though the soul is weary...






    working on different frequencies have you noticed that the last lines of each stanza are beautiful when just put together on their own?



    your heart beat changes frenquencies
    your soul goes where fools like me pretend to know
    permanence stubbornly makes an exception
    i will find you again



    your heart beat changes frequencies is quite a beautiful way of describing death... have you ever heard someone take their last breath..? i always thought it would be the scariest thing to be near [i dont cope with death very well at all] but when i was working in the nursing home i sat there all night one night with this lovely old lady who i knew wouldnt make it through the night. and she was agitated and i couldnt work out how to make her any more comfortable than i already had so i softly sang her hymns all night and you know... she calmed right down and slept peacefully until she forgot to breath in for the last time... and i was there... and it was beautiful. and it really was like a changing of frequencies...


    | Posted on 2010-05-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the sooner they leave us, the longer they stay?
    Seems that way, when you're the big A-
    lone.

    And sometimes I think the stone is the cruelest thing... a marker to draw you back to nothing. Maybe we should only write the names we want to remember on a piece of folded paper, and carry it so that we can leave the marked ground and continue on... and still have something tangible to touch when we want to re-feel Empty.

    Sure is cheaper on paper, too...
    | Posted on 2010-04-26 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting bit of freeverse. I don't generally like freeverse because I love to hear things rhyme, but you did this one very nicely. I would probably fix up the first stanza, if I were you, I mean, it might be continuing from the title, but that should be made more clear. Great write!
    | Posted on 2010-01-06 00:00:00 | by Dreamer5009 | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this in parts.

    i'm not enthused on the heart soul deal in this one and that's not to say it was cliché, you made the use of it more than the sum of its familair parts, however I just feel these parts in particular are so much more evocative.

    though you cease,
    you disappear;
    changes frenquencies
    though your eyes dim like dusk, (gorgeous)
    goes where fools like me pretend to know
    a stone proves your existence,
    permanence makes an exception

    (and on the last line... the point is already made, stubbornly is in excess, and we are not dummies, write for that... write up.)

    the last three lines are throwaway.

    kind of harsh critique in tone, but there's enough here to suggest you can do better.


    *though and its repetition suggests there are structural problems, because in this case it suggested to me that maybe you were a bit stuck with this piece rather than using that as a device, and futherance to the piece.


    | Posted on 2010-01-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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    181707

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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