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the city song

Author: Someones Epiphany
Elite Ratio:    8 - 4454 /2107 /161
Words: 194
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 2180
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
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so i havent written anything in ages. i dont even know if this can be called writing. but it is some kind of response to the heartsickness for my soon-to-be homeland...

the city song

1) you envelope my dreams
both day and night
as I attempt to isolate you
with monochromatic greys
in order to fade your grandeur
in my mind:

i) i long for a life
with a rooftop view,
continuous sunsets
and romanticized silhouettes
of the dirty old city

ii) of course there’d be birds chirping
to mingle with car horns
and barely audible “thank god it’s over” sighs
congealing to form
the city song

iii) I never knew a city
with sundowners such as you—
people appear from nowhere
like weeds in cracked pavements-
the peddlers, the beggars, the homeless-
taking up their twilight post
to sell their TV aerials, pre loved sandals,
oversized t-shirts, unsold and over ripe tomatoes;
to outcry their fellow street weeds
in hopes of an extra centim or two

1 a) yet somehow the hustle and bustle
of your charm radiate
every scene and while
i find a more accurate, though much less
romantic ,version
of the beloved city song
I also find myself
to be a congruent part
of this city

2) I am the city song.

Submitted on 2010-01-06 23:09:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Yep a song indeed :)

1) you envelope my dreams
both day and night
as I attempt to isolate you
with monochromatic greys
in order to fade your grandeur
in my mind:

For some reason this line really gathers my attention, it speaks out to me. Amazingly penned my friend :) can you please check mines out I am new here thanks.
| Posted on 2011-07-25 00:00:00 | by AltheaLaochra | [ Reply to This ]
  This is, most definitely, definitely, writing.

Not for the obvious reasons (that if you write something then it shall therefore be writing) but for the fact that this is quite beautiful and poetic in the best of ways.

Appealing to the inner-me, it is also a love poem.

I think you should be more confident in your writing, Jaydee.

And you should know me well enough by now, to realize that while I am always kind, I don't fuss unless I truly feel inspired too: this applies to both critique and praise.

And this has definitely inspired me.

To begin with, your first stanza is concise and a masterpiece in its own right. It's the last two lines of it that really make it incredible. I had to stop from there and start again, just for the pleasure of it.

What I also love is the colloquial charm of lines like 'i long for a life/with a rooftop view' and 'of course there'd be birds chirping/to mingle with car horns' because it is seen in the everyday, small, of little consequence, that can become such a wonderful, fascinating whole.

This is where you killed me: 'I never knew a city/with sundowners such as you --'


Damn. Damn.

I like the duality of you: you as in the city, you as in him, you as in you. The way a man can be a city, the way its song can be a girl.

Truly exquisite. And so perfectly simple at the same time, like breathing.

Now, one critique:

Stanza 1a) I felt stumbled a little, just a little lacking in the smoothness the rest possesses, though.

The only other thing would be the juxtaposition -- the roman numerals and numbering and then letter seemed inconsistent to me. Maybe you could either choose one or the other.

And that's it.

This made me excited...about poetry and life and love and all that good stuff amidst everything else. Provides the necessary contrast.

| Posted on 2010-01-12 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  bookmark, brilliant

sonics mate.
| Posted on 2010-01-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  i love how you do love poems because it works in such an unconventional way, the language doesn't seem romantic without it's own context, , or i'm just trying to say it's very original. also the bit that it's a response to the heartsickness, i think it gives the poem a more meaningful intention,..... well this is just a thought but it seems like heartsickness is something better to respond to as apposed to just stating, it's sort of coming from gray looking to white as apposed to the mirror of that, or like gray to grayer. yeah, i'm fairly sure i'm not stating things clearly. i guess i just appreciate the perspective, i think it really makes this strong. this was a little unexpected too(not the strength, more the topic), but not. i mean knowing all the bigness you're in it makes sense, and it definitely makes this feel so genuine and that's probably the most important qualities.

the structure and form of this is so flowing, i like the "outline" aspect too, i think i'm not getting the application of the two though(as in the II or 2 type of two (say that 3 times fast)). i guess all the other parts of the poem do sort of subset. read without spacing it reads like prose just with complex sentence structuring. it it makes sense how the statements sort of subset, and the two is almost something different in what it says, it doesn't add as much, emotionally, to the collective. i guess i almost wish there was more. but then again it's an emotion and this feels so genuine. it's really good to see you writing like this and not just cuz it's beautifully written.

happy you're happy and think it's cool you're writing again.

| Posted on 2010-01-08 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
  You and I think in the same lines.... I want to live in an ancient city built by human hands, not machinery and tools, and live a sundowner (god, you brilliant b1tch you!) lifestyle with foreign chatter and strings of intermingled english, and be the white pale thing that is embraced by the culture and retaught how to live and retrained how to blend, and re-structured as a human being through an almost blind faith in an underlying good of humans who are so different from ourselves...

And have that beautiful acceptance as different and same, intertwined into Belonging.

You paint me green with your pen, always...
| Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
  1) dreams merely open the questions that you ponder throughout waking life. Espially when it comes to love

i) And love can shine through the most treacherous of dimly lit city limits.

ii) within every hush of rushing traffic there is a recander of the natural offerings, be it arbitrary or rational

iii) a city can be measured not by the highest in society, but by the lowest of them all. A community starts from the seed in the soil, not from the ambitions of the prosperous. (in lieu of your beautiful freaking analogies.)

1a) syncrony settles in the minds of the fullest...the fullest of acceptance, clarity and the willingness to envision what comes next. And love...which is painted all over this magnificent prose.

2) I feel a part of it.
| Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ]
  Reminds me of that saying.. "You Are What You Eat".
An odd comparison, I know.
Or maybe.. "Home Is Where The Heart Is" -- yeah, that sounds better.

"I never knew a city
with sundowners such as you"

Sundowners.. I like that word in regards to the people and surroundings that can bring a place (or heart) down.

1a) should radiate be plural?

Sense city is mentioned a few times already, maybe the last line should just be " I am the song" .

I don't know.. but anyway...

I like it. :-)
| Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
  '1) you envelope my dreams
both day and night
as I attempt to isolate you
with monochromatic greys
in order to fade your grandeur
in my mind: '

that rocks because it is so so so true.

I'm so happy you're happy, even if that happy feels more like desperately longing right now, and you're going to make a new life in that dirty old city (which city then?) and it'll be great WOOT WOOT. 'With a rooftop view' makes me think how high you feel about the thing...

and sighs congealing, yes, amen, all those good sighs and bad sighs and stuff, and the birds (feels like flying) and the horns, so pedestrian, and it'll rock. and maybe it is a dirty old city, but that is charming, and he is charming (I'm sure) so the whole thing just charms me...

Jaydee, I'm so pleased, and this comment is the worst comment ever, but whatever right?

| Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece got me thinking about a lot of things at once and i had to read it a few times to narrow the feelings down to a distinct one. I understand this longing, it is a silent lurker at times and other times it is so in your face you want to cry. You do things to shut out the longing and it works, for a while. Before you find yourself you are immensed deeply in thoughts of nostalgia and reminiscing over times past. A consuming process but a process of livelihood none the less. I feel this longing build up within the piece and almost overwhelms you but in the end solace is found and to a certain extent alleviates the loving and longing. This solace is like a release and kind of allows you to step away from that which consumes you and gaining a better perspective on the matter and drawing strength from it. This piece definitely had a heartfelt quality to it, kind of reminds me of something raw hiding between layers of complex feelings and thoughts, bleeding through for just a moment.

I don't know, that's what I got from it. Also enjoyed it quite the same.
| Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]

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