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    dots Submission Name: I Was a Street Lampdots

    Author: RisingSon
    Elite Ratio:    1.69 - 7/79/52
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 452
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 472


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Was a Street Lampdots

    I was a street lamp
    in the snow
    hidden beams my stare
    the air grew tired
    as I shone down
    winterís whitest glare

    I was an anchor
    on the shore
    gripping grains of sand
    cursing the sea
    I held my ground
    clutching stable land

    I was a farm hand
    in a dust bowl
    tending to my seeds
    praying for rains
    tears of the lord
    purify the plains

    Submitted on 2010-01-07 13:15:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting. Good title. It drew me in.

    Seems a bit unfinished but I really like the stark image of the anchor on shore cursing the sea and clutching the land. It's like when life gets hectic and out of control and we finally find a grounding point. We want to hold on to it.

    The lamp post and the farm hand bits are good too and with a little polish could be better.

    Good start. Would like to see it improved a bit and maybe add more.

    When someone says they want more, you can take that as a compliment.
    | Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's good. I think you can make it better.

    I was a street lamp
    in the snow
    hidden beams my stare
    the air grew tired
    as I shone down
    in winterís whitest glare

    I think that if you make the action parts about action as opposed to description then that makes good better right? possibly?

    I was a street lamp
    bright blight in snow
    hidden beams my stare

    if there's a difference i'd say it's about making every line a thingamy instead of having some that are connectors joining the dots.

    that said, i immediately thought that the guy was on to something here and i think you are.
    | Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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