Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Was a Street Lampdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: RisingSon
    Elite Ratio:    1.69 - 7/79/52
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 616
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 472



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Was a Street Lampdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was a street lamp
    in the snow
    hidden beams my stare
    the air grew tired
    as I shone down
    winterís whitest glare

    I was an anchor
    on the shore
    gripping grains of sand
    cursing the sea
    I held my ground
    clutching stable land

    I was a farm hand
    in a dust bowl
    tending to my seeds
    praying for rains
    tears of the lord
    purify the plains




    Submitted on 2010-01-07 13:15:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting. Good title. It drew me in.

    Seems a bit unfinished but I really like the stark image of the anchor on shore cursing the sea and clutching the land. It's like when life gets hectic and out of control and we finally find a grounding point. We want to hold on to it.

    The lamp post and the farm hand bits are good too and with a little polish could be better.

    Good start. Would like to see it improved a bit and maybe add more.

    When someone says they want more, you can take that as a compliment.
    | Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's good. I think you can make it better.

    I was a street lamp
    in the snow
    hidden beams my stare
    the air grew tired
    as I shone down
    in winterís whitest glare

    I think that if you make the action parts about action as opposed to description then that makes good better right? possibly?

    I was a street lamp
    bright blight in snow
    hidden beams my stare
    etc

    if there's a difference i'd say it's about making every line a thingamy instead of having some that are connectors joining the dots.

    that said, i immediately thought that the guy was on to something here and i think you are.
    | Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    181752

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Stretto written by saartha
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by Chelebel
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Genesis written by saartha
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Legends written by poetotoe
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    ME written by jjd
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry