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    dots Submission Name: Missing The Other Beatdots

    Author: col13x
    Elite Ratio:    2.26 - 119/300/559
    Words: 301
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 317
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1831


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    dotsMissing The Other Beatdots

    Where is the earth beneath my nails
    And the cool breathings of green
    Where is the petal of silken eye
    And the colour outside

    Where is the laughter in the river
    And the hours spent splashing in their sharing
    So full of smiles and quiet gazes
    That they slip the day into fulfilment

    Where is the sun as she holds my hand
    And soft silence in conversation
    Walks with me along the rivers bank
    And dreams with me of boats to sail to the far horizon

    I have lost her enthusiasm
    Her healing comes no more with its balm of kisses
    As I kick through the grey mud
    And count the raindrops

    No more now her escape
    I misplaced and now salted wet with her freedom
    To wander alone the eternal hours
    Just a needle, with no thread to join them

    Ah; too long my love
    Since we tasted the crisp wine
    Too long I live in the bottom of my glass
    Drunk with the shovel of my soul

    Where is that peak we rode, and did not care
    Where are the days we did not count
    But just were there
    We inside them

    They will turn my shoulder onto the cold bed
    With its chill pillow of sleep
    And once again I will bury away
    All the days and hours that were ours to keep

    I will drown myself in this second bottle of tasteless wine
    And finally stagger my footsteps
    Through the maze of missing you
    And not feel where my feet stumble

    It will be a thankless sleep
    So the night will pass without a dream
    And wait for the sun
    Things may seem different in the morning

    But I doubt it

    Submitted on 2010-01-07 14:21:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      your words are very good and fit the piece well, the flow of your thoughts are easy to understand, your metaphors are concise and fit the theme. However all of this is forgotten because of the metre. It is a difficult read with no rhythm to it. Take some time with this again and try to make the stanzas have a beat to it. I really feel this will make this piece phenomenal

    yours in christ
    | Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]

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