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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fatedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maskannai
    ASL Info:    28/Female/Utah
    Elite Ratio:    4.94 - 214/184/78
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 491
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 686



    Description:
       Don't have any particular reason for writing this. Had fun with the references in it though.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFatedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Spirit and mind
    Body and soul;
    Your hands have sunk their long fingers
    Past defenses years old and rusted at their hinges;

    My heart remembers warmth
    On a hot autumn day,
    A warmth that went suddenly cold
    As the winters winds blew in;

    We held each other tightly
    Against the loss we felt tugging against our bones,
    But nothing could stop the pull of fate
    As it grinned, toothless, and cut that thin and tattered thread;

    I think the gods laughed then
    As our years mingled in grief
    And Hades chuckled sardonically
    And pulled you away from me forever.




    Submitted on 2010-01-09 22:20:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I would maybe lose the second "laugh" in the next-to-last line, and go with "sardonically"... that's about all I can give as a suggestion. I really did enjoy the read, nice garden of ideas growing in this one!
    | Posted on 2010-01-10 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the intended and subtle rhyme of fingers hinges which makes use of feminine rhyme. it's very nicely done.

    I think that with a careful hand you could have something quite striking here.

    I think maybe the second strophe is the weakest and i'll be vague and let that point to the proof elsewhere in the poem.
    | Posted on 2010-01-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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