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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pennies for youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 677
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1281



    Description:
       who knows


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPennies for youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    If I could untether your lips for just one second
    I'd pay penance for all the moments
    I thought I understood
    What it meant to be artistic.

    But you...

    I would tell you
    of adamantine laced days
    braided into winters of regret
    from the gists of madness
    chasing my dreams.
    Happiness would feature as a falling
    ladder hugging a compass,
    or anything I wanted it to be.
    It was all a matter of choice
    and periphery.

    But we are ghosts now,
    searching endlessly
    for the substance of tomorrow
    we once ran from.
    And I say that I don't care
    about tomorrow
    when we both know I'm lying
    for I dare not taste the concept
    of failure,
    or regret the way my vessel
    cleaves the paths taken.

    You smile and tell me our dawn
    will speak gently once more,
    we need only hold on to the times
    we sipped wine from butterfly wings
    and played better games with reality
    to soothe our whims.
    I softly touch the cracked mirror
    to remind you,
    we are closer than you think.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2010-01-11 13:08:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think a couple of lines in this take away, or weaken the impact of other lines, and that it would have more of a bang like this:

    If I could untether your lips for just one second
    I'd pay penance for all the moments
    I thought I understood
    What it meant to be artistic.

    But you;

    I would tell you
    of adamantine laced days
    braided into winters of regret,
    madness chasing dreams.
    Happiness would feature as a falling
    ladder hugging a compass,
    or anything I wanted it to be.
    It was all a matter of choice.

    But we are ghosts now,
    searching endlessly
    for the substance of tomorrow.
    And I say that I don't care
    about tomorrow
    when we both know I'm lying,
    that I dare not taste the concept
    of failure,
    or regret the way my vessel
    cleaves the paths taken.

    You smile and tell me our dawn
    will speak gently once more,
    we need only hold on to the times
    we sipped wine from butterfly wings
    and played better games with reality
    to soothe our whims.
    I softly touch the cracked mirror
    to remind you,
    we are closer than you think.


    I prefer this without gists of madness because I think this gets a little too wordy at that point, and it feels too much like writing rather than being, and that lessens the effect of 'braided into winters of regret', which is a lovely line and needs the space to breathe, I think. And the same with 'it was all a matter of choice'; something about simply you state that provides a sense of longing from the past, when options were there, and the periphery lessens that simplicity, you know?

    Also, the sipping wine from butterfly wings. I understand that you are trying to create a sense of gentler days, but I think butterfly doesn't quite sit right in this, though I have no suggestions as to what you could replace it with. Maybe moths, they are fragile, too, but a less wishy-washy image, you know?

    I like this, I think you make a perhaps tired idea quite your own, you know, and you have some lovely killer lines here, too. I especially like Happiness would feature as a falling
    ladder hugging a compass
    , there's something simple about the wording of that, and something complex in the image, that really appeals. And your ending, something about not being judged by our pasts, or our past-self, something about life its course, something about how we carry all our past-selves with us always, no matter how much we feel we've changed, you know?

    A thought-provoking piece. I really liked it. :)
    | Posted on 2010-02-10 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      (I'm coing back to this as soon as I find a good hour to devote)
    | Posted on 2010-02-09 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is quite brilliantly pulled together... the Before You and Now You... merging into something that will more closely resemble the cracks your fingers touch, maybe.

    I like the days of sipping wine from butterfly wings... it's sexy, reminds me of other things metaphorically that can't be said as prettily :) I think it's the young dreamer you vs. the responsibility you. You see who you were/want to be again, and what you've become... and what you've become is more aware of Failure, that its implications go beyond the project at hand... the comfortability of not trying vs. the youthful dreams of achievement...

    sorry I'm so choppy, I never could get those things in my head organized enough to say them well to comment... feels like a chasm of self, and you'll never be either again... so there's no worry.

    You, in trying to merge both, will create a whole third You. What an exciting time to be alive, as Tank might say...
    | Posted on 2010-01-13 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont think this is as clear as it could be [or perhaps i am distracted by a ugandan boy telling me of his new found love and that ugly guy singing my sharona playing in the livingroom lol]

    youre talking to yourself right? in the mirror?
    thats what i got.
    at first i thought it musta been a girl but the more i think about it the more im convinced that you have to be talking to yourself somehow...

    but then theres a chance im totally wrong.
    and thats what i think needs to be clearer.

    i like the idea of thinking you knew what it meant to be artistic... i think we try to create things that are impossible to create sometimes... unnecessary to create... but we do it out of sense of ego or impulse or something...

    you wanna shed a lil light on this piece for me??
    | Posted on 2010-01-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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