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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: For All The Wrong In The Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Me
    Total Views: 1181
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 823



    Description:
       I wish I could be some kind of force to help the World be a better place...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor All The Wrong In The Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    For All The Wrong In The World. 110909


    Impurities flow from the negative, mixing under our skin with the good. Abnormal moralities form from this and so it goes on to and fro. Disease and murder created from so. Unnatural to the beats that once were our hearts. Leaving nothing but true evil, to be a part of man.

    Drop down from above the line of satellites and other forms of miscommunication.
    To see what is hidden inside.

    Love in our hearts.
    Love in our hands.
    Fumbling away from us.
    Never to be held again.

    And for all the wrong in the world, I wish I could…I would die just to know. Someone tell me how to make it all go away. I wish I could…I would die just to know. Id wish it all away, if I could.




    Submitted on 2010-01-11 17:17:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    Overall, I think this is a hard topic to handle without becoming a little melodramatic, and overall, I think you just skated by.

    The sonic flow of the piece is great and I really like that you used both paragraph and stanza to build the poem. I do have a couple quick thoughts regarding some lines that come across as a bit overdone and I don't think add much, and therefore taking them away wouldn't deprive it (which is obviously my opinion, not the word of poetry writing rules, so take or leave whatever ya like).

    'Leaving nothing but true evil, to be a part of man.'

    -- I think this line could be eliminated because you allude to this concept much more artistically in the previous line of 'Unnatural to the beats that once were our hearts.'

    'Never to be held again.'

    -- again, 'fumbling away from us' allude to something we've lost and I didn't find the need for this line. It is something the reader can naturally conclude, if that makes sense.

    I think your last paragraph could use some work and general tidying up.

    I know that I'm being rather point blank, and hope that you don't take offense. I'm commenting because I enjoyed the piece and would like to see what a little revising/expanding will do for it.

    Excellent author to read in regard to this topic is Daniel Quinn. Very accessible writing. The book Ishmael would be the best start. Check it out.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-01-11 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very powerful and very realistic to how we all feel about the world, and how we all want to find some knowledge that will help us fix all the wrongs we see happening in the world around us. Very beautiful in its flow. I would love to see another verse perhaps as well.
    | Posted on 2010-01-11 00:00:00 | by Maskannai | [ Reply to This ]


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