Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Visions of Springdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Astarael
    ASL Info:    18/Girl/Baltimore
    Elite Ratio:    5.29 - 79/84/28
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 281
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 787



    Description:
       I wanted to give the reader a sense of what spring is like in the countryside. We get too wrapped up in the cities here. I hope it gives you some visuals!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVisions of Springdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Where the faerie-gnats hover over the water-lilies
    Reflecting the noon-beams in their transparent wings;
    Six-pointed flowers' heads upturned,
    Carrying floating messages unlearned,
    Intermingling with the windchimes' rings.

    Cool green rocks under the pond's surface.
    Damp moss underworlds still clinging to the trees.
    Wild ponies nibble at the scented clover,
    Sky-veiled breezes whisk fresh Spring over,
    The fuzzy bumbling of honeybees.

    The tide carries the sailboat beyond the horizon,
    Where lazy catfish lay buried in the sand.
    Bright red buoys mark this digression,
    And all the sea's in my possesion,
    Like a crystal gem in the palm of my hand.




    Submitted on 2004-07-22 15:09:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Some good bits and some not so. The appeal to avariety of senses is good. The pictorial element is good. Some of your images are a bit too sickly sweet and trite (wild ponies nibbling clover!) You admit that your trip to the seaside is a bit of a digression from your topic of springtime, so why include it. If you actually have a scene before you of gnats hovering over water-lilies, then stay with that particular scene and elaborate on it. Don't go off on wild pony chases or trips to the seaside. Save those themes for separate poems. You obviously have talent in your choice of words and images, but now you need to be more rigorous with your thematic discipline and self editing of your poems.
    | Posted on 2005-11-03 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very beautiful and colorful. Not the typical newborn-type of scenario generally given to Spring, which is refreshingly different. Keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a really great poem, especially when it comes to imagery. You really captured a dewy spring morning in this piece. Great work!
    | Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by Elegy | [ Reply to This ]
      salut!,
    what a beautiful picture that is being painted for the reader. that's all i can say really. awesome job, keep writing gurlie!
    cya
    Danielle
    | Posted on 2004-07-30 00:00:00 | by Kalidoscopeeyes | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.