The Dusk is Ours by Astarael

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Submission Name: The Dusk is Ours dots

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Author:	Astarael
ASL Info:	18/Girl/Baltimore
Elite Ratio:	5.19 - 81/91/34
Words:	82

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	313
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	566

Description:
Love poem. Don't write too many of these.

The Dusk is Ours dots

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Five-thirty on our green-grass hill
Saturday dusk lingering across your lips
The softness of your hands in my hair
I would give everything to be there.

China-blue sky and purple-black shadows
Moonlit twilight descending into your eyes
The copper sun drops below the deep lake
I take your hand to trace the shimmering wake.

This is my pure-water elixir;
Tinged with melancholy rose and purple hues
Gleaming hints on the clouds begun to fray,
Love breaks over the ebbing day.

Submitted on 2004-07-22 15:21:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  *sigh* you always say that my poems are better than yours, but i don't know about that. i love your poems dani. keep kickin' 'em out foo'
| Posted on 2004-07-29 00:00:00 | by Kalidoscopeeyes | [ Reply to This ]
  i think im confused... why would you say 'i would give everything to be there' when you are already there are you not? or did i miss something? and i think i would use lavendar in the last stanza to complement the softness of melancoly rose... just a thought... this is a really sweet write... i wish you the best of luck with it all.
| Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Now this i like. I was able to read it with a steady rhythm. However I feel it lacks something but I cant exactly determine what it is. Nice flow though. I can tell you are thinking about the whole day-night process anyway in your poem. Very good. keep writing
| Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by freak_like_me | [ Reply to This ]
  My only suggestion would be to say "lavender hues" as to not repeat purple in both stanzas... a lot of people don't realize how much of a difference it makes in a piece to not use the same words too closely together...

Otherwise, loved it!
| Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a great write, you stayed clear of clichés i think. anyway, this gives a great image for me to think about, thanks for that and the title is perfect, great write.
| Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  Awwww... this is so sweet, but still, it's not cheesy. I love your descriptions of the sunrise. I especially liked the end, it made me think of love as the sun, which is kind of an interesting concept.
| Posted on 2004-07-22 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]

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