“You walk but you don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?”
She surprised him with the question, not because he didn’t think she had no depth, or couldn’t see through his mask, but by how close she had become; unnoticed from his safe refuge behind the double mask and all the efforts he had poured in keeping his true self so carefully hidden. She was uncertain however and her tone was questioning, this was a moment in which he needed to act with the possibility to cause misfortune to reign over the possible future he was creating. Would he be digging his own grave, or was he creating a glorious path to walk on for a little while, until more cracks showed themselves to her, and they would, there was no doubt, time would assure it.
“What governs you, what drives you towards that edge?”
“Nothing does, my soul is immaculate.”
It freaked you out to know she was right, never before had you thought about it like this but underneath it all, her words could be thwarted so easily, it mattered not whether she was right or wrong. She had started the argument at a wrong moment, spoke to him of awkwardness while he was confident, she was erring and he knew he was stronger. It mattered not that his soul was in all actuality pretty well tainted, though not with colour but a dark shade of grey, all that mattered was for her to believe she was wrong, that his soul, his purpose couldn’t be found, instead of the fact that he was unwilling, or simply unable to do it.
“Yeah, but you aren’t, you taint it with black and red, whichever colour suits you best, all I know, is that it isn’t white, not any more.”
“Maybe I’m erasing, not painting?”
Question her truth, never allow them to know how close they are, deflect, and redirect the attention was all he could do at this moment. Divert the stares to something more prominent, but he was alone with her, walking by her side and her warmth could be felt through the flimsy jacket he was wearing, so close, so warm, he didn’t want to lose it, not yet and his insecurity gave him strength, anxious energy, for certainly the grey would be ugly to behold, a shallow enigma, hollow in nature.
“That’s just silly, you can’t walk backwards all your life, you can’t control time to rush in reverse.”
“Maybe we are. Living it in reverse, who can tell, what with the way we perceive our memories?”
And he wished he was living in reverse, that he was telling her the words backwards, taking them back and relive every glorious moment he has spent with her in ignorant bliss, so careless, he had been so careless. He lied to her and it had been allowed to fester, she wasn’t questioning his soul, or reasoning, she was questioning her love for him with her inquiries and he would not stand for it, such a prideful creature.
“You’re being silly.”
“Just because we can’t comprehend, doesn’t mean it’s not the truth. There are a lot of things out there we don’t understand a thing about.”
Such as her love, what was there to understand about the speeding up of her heart, his feelings of addiction to her vicinity, his romantically spoken words, and shallow white lies? He was nothing underneath, a character in a role and she would despise the one he was underneath but didn’t have the heart to tell her, lest he lose her. Unacceptable, one couldn’t fort trust on a shaky foundation! But what could he do? He was so weak, ever so weak, and he couldn’t stand without her as a pillar at his back, her presence alone would enable him to move mountains, grain by torturous grain, and those emotions were real, but who judged solely on emotions these days?
“Yeah, but, it’s not about the things we don’t understand, but rather the tangible things we can actually make sense of.”
“Maybe I don’t understand what drives me, maybe there’s nothing there but the basic in desires and needs.”
And he needs her, he desires her, with all his being, he is convinced they cannot be complete without one another and he would give anything to protect that glass castle in the sky he’s built for the both of them, for all that he needs her, she needs him just as badly and he knows this.
“I don’t believe that.”
“But you said so yourself, I walk, but I don’t know. Not knowing, it might very well simply exist for the simple reason, I don’t know about it.
“Awareness is existence.”
He realizes now, he has been walking alone for some time now, hand clutching the cold air as he approaches his wrath. No, he hasn’t lost her through his own stupidity, but through her own innocence, her willingness to lose to his reasoning’s, because she only questioned it because she had to, so that she could say -so that they could say- See, she did know, in the end, she realized, so … what made her stay?
“Well,” they’ll relate, “Apparently she loved him.”