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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Little Gal
    ASL Info:    20 female, Bahrain
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 469/431/94
    Words: 42
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 604
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 233



    Description:
       wrote this, didnt seem to know how to complete it .. would like advice..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The arduity of my memories of you,
    is myriads greater than what it seems.
    The agony i feel has turned me so selfless,
    so hollow.
    Words are never to be enough,
    for you have turned heart to stone.




    Submitted on 2010-01-21 17:20:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      okay since you asked about changing the last line...mmm

    i would change it a bit...and the line with selfless and hollow...didn't mesh for me...

    those two together seem more opposites...

    selfish would fit with hollow...but maybe you feel deeper now that he has left...
    turning selfless from being selfish ( which might have driven him away)

    makes me think the poem this way...and by god, it is your poem...not anyone else's...

    but in my mind it would have gone this way..

    "the agony i feel has turned me so selfless
    words are never to be enough
    for you have turned this stone
    into heart"



    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-09 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      In the first line I like the use of arduous but think it needs a fix.

    arduous, my memories of you
    myriads more than what it deems
    the agony I feel
    has turned me selfless
    so hollow

    words are never enough
    for you have turned my heart to stone

    I didn't aim to rewrite your work, the basic sentiment is very clear and easily understood. I've felt like this and can relate.

    There is a deeper emotion going on here. I can see you living the poem you've written here. In what you find, the rest of the work will appear. Nice work, thanks for sharing.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2010-07-26 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know if I can help with the ending but I can help with what we have here. Let me format it a bit for you.
    First off arduity is not a word, i think what you're looking for is arduousness although it would sound awful in this context. I think it sounds awful in any context to be honestt. Why not use a synonym?


    The harshness of my memories of you,
    is much greater than what it seems.
    The agony I feel has turned me selfless,
    almost hollow.
    Words will never be enough,
    for you have turned heart to stone.

    How does that sound?
    Kinda bland I know but it does make much more sense.
    | Posted on 2010-01-22 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      well i would say it sounds good , check the defs once more with sources and make sure it says what you wanted to or are willing to state, per a Ross-ian accident, then make the stone happy and make it either sink into a dark line, not morbid , dark, or float like a balloon with muse...
    | Posted on 2010-01-21 00:00:00 | by leocrates | [ Reply to This ]


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