Description: meh. so derivative it's barely worth the click of the mouse...
Mastery (c. by ruejacobs 1/22/10 at 10pm) -------------------------------------------
Itís all in the wrist
As they say
I too could have been the Chinese gymnast
In a one-piece tunic and trying to not look too gay
Oh but i was absorbed
Absorbed and not absolved
Because I am remorseless, thatís why
Those arenít carnival balls I am juggling
But blades and fire
You can see the scars
Iíve paid my dues, baby
Soaring overhead the tumblers and trapeze girls
Float in their winsome frocks
I still owe for the clothes on my back
And probably always will
At least the hoops arenít so very high
One simply has to swallow her pride
And don the funny red nose
To escape judgment
Everybody loves a fool
Itís people like me that distract from the accidents
When the high wire-man falls to his doom
Iíll dance a jig as they cart his remains away
And post the help-wanted sign
No one is the wiser
What do they care so long as the bills get paid
And I tell you, I can dance a mean jig
Huge shoes and all
I just have to remember to keep those torches in the air
And the audience in stitches
I canít worry my little head over the itinerary
Iím only PR
Pleased to meet you
Mind those knives
Stand back now
Icarus is down in the sawdust
And that looks mighty like his spleen
Derivative, you say, and I concur to the extent of, well, what isn't derivative in some way or another in this whole poetry art thing?
And while that is said, I found this well worth the click.
It actually made me realize that something I don't find on Elite is that spoken word type lingo -- though this might be because they are out speaking it, but even writing that is similar in tone doesn't grace us much here.
I found this to be that. If any of that made sense.
I guess I could hear this being spoken aloud, not like thoughts, but actually aloud to a room, said with pizzaz and the need to get it out. It has that kind of halting flow that is very appealing, that keeps it colloquial but also poetical.
I guess rather than saying the subject is derivative, we could say its classic. All subjects have been tapped out, essentially, but its how we write about them that makes a difference. And I like this scenario. Yes, I have felt like the joker, the distraction, the trying-to-be-lovely among the un-lovely. Whatever gets the job done. We all have our parts to play.
It's hard work and does not pay well enough.
I like your beginning lines especially and how you're tone is a bit mad-hatter, dark, slightly bitter, humor and the swift straightening up at the end with 'Pleased to meet you/ Mind those knives/ Stand back now/ Icarus is down in the sawdust and that looks mighty like his spleen'
As far as any suggestions go, I would go with: look over some of the longer lines and break them up to keep it a little more uniform.