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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: real human contact..dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leocrates
    Elite Ratio:    4.95 - 103/34/38
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Prose/Depressed
    Total Views: 1448
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 840



    Description:
       a windego is a screaming native american spirit that supposedly can drive men mad...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsreal human contact..dots
    -------------------------------------------


    touch and i will be burned,
    i am so parched for the oils of your fingertips
    i will split and crumble, under your pursed lips knocking a kiss across the air
    there is no cure for some of the illness in life
    there is a hope for most of them
    and there is time for all of them...
    but surely the worst of all hells is empathy
    it is the wounds of a mother lost to her child,
    windego
    it is the sore of bloodless cuts,
    it is the ache of conscience in the sight of your own errs in choice,
    when we hurt each other,
    i want to be in with we
    i want to be with you to be an us,
    and i have no you
    just this stupid screen and stupid words, and stupid stupid stupid dreams of better days, and nights
    where you touch me and i touch you




    Submitted on 2010-01-22 23:53:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this though I don't fully agree with it. That jump you take at the end, from a general aspect to a very personal issue, although it can be admired for its honesty, makes me as a reader feel a bit letdown. That's because it is an absolute contrast to the opening line and in this conjecture I think that's not really a good thing. Still you got something going here. Like the first poster said, this needs some rewriting and some more polish, it could be better...
    | Posted on 2010-01-25 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      very different
    i like this a lot
    it has a lot of spirital notion to it -
    its like seeing without sight
    understanding without knowing
    reason without explanation

    very good !!!

    fav line:
    i want to be in with we
    i want to be with you to be an us...

    bloodstone

    | Posted on 2010-01-25 00:00:00 | by Bloodstone | [ Reply to This ]
      great comments, ent, what ever...
    the ones i liked are the italics on the windego
    i wish i could jive with what you meant about the about second stanza
    i liked that you broke it down a bit
    i would submit that the empathy of the feelings in the poem are meant to be modern and unified, like the connection that empathy as a word describes,
    i think that that is why i titled it and included the stupid modernity in the cry of loneliness
    so the outline would be

    contact
    scream empathy
    cry loneliness
    and the theme is connection, it might not jive with your thoughts but that is just an exam from the author...
    | Posted on 2010-01-24 00:00:00 | by leocrates | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Hi there,

    I think this is a good poem that can easily be better -- and I hope that doesn't sound insulting, it is to say that it has potential but hasn't quite reached its utmost.

    And maybe that is by saying more with less: some thoughts...

    First stanza might read smoother as:

    touch and i will be burned;
    so parched for the oils of your fingertips
    i will split and crumble, under your pursed lips
    knocking a kiss across the air


    --especially liked this 'I will split and crumble, under your pursed lips knocking a kiss across the air' so visual and rough and tumble.

    there is no cure for some of the illness in life
    there is a hope for most of them
    and there is time for all of them...
    but surely the worst of all hells is empathy
    it is the wounds of a mother lost to her child,


    these lines: 'there is no cure for some of the illness in life/ there is a hope for most of them/ and there is time for all of them' don't jive well, too plain or something and wordy. Maybe:

    there is no cure for some illnesses;
    no hope for most, and time for all...
    but surely the worst of all hells is empathy
    it is the wounds of a mother lost to her child,


    windego
    -- italics might suit this.

    it is the sore of bloodless cuts,
    it is the ache of conscience
    in the sight of your own errs in choice,
    when we hurt each other,
    i want to be in with we

    i want to be with you to be an us,
    and i have no you
    just this stupid screen and stupid words,
    and stupid stupid stupid dreams
    of better days, and nights

    where you touch me and i touch you

    ___

    From a general standpoint, I think stanza would facilitate in the overall look/pace of the write [I kinda broke it up to demonstrate what this might do] and I don't think any of your commas were necessary except for after 'crumble'.

    Obviously, these are my own opinions and I'll be the first to admit they aren't always good ones. Take, leave, alter, ignore as you like.

    Now. windego? I know as the mythical people-eating creature meant to discourage people from eating people, but one that drives men mad makes equal sense.

    It takes an interesting and none-too-obvious road. I liked this about the write, and interpreted it as something that, like a mythical creature of sorts, love can hurt and burn and claw and scrape and whathaveyou, take away one from another leaving you with little but stupid stupid stupid dreams/of better days, and nights/where you touch me and i touch you'

    and the poem that is quite quirky and out of character, falls into place as quite a sad love thing. (I'm rather drawn to these.)

    Absence. emptiness. It's hard to cope with/out. Real human contact.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-01-24 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


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