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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ghazal Cdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Outlaw
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 510/413/195
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 637
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 627



    Description:
       look the form up, losers. I don't want to explain it. but for the sake of those who won't, yes, the countess repetition is necessary... so poke at other things.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGhazal Cdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It must be of you, my loveliest countess,
    that I shall ask for forgiveness, oh countess!

    It is your land I have scoured, scourged and for what?
    For everything but you, my loveless countess!

    I've killed the passion inside your eyes, your taste
    for all of life and youthfulness, my countess!

    You now stand before love's tribunal, ghastly,
    weary and troubled by this mess, my countess!

    I beg you, disavow these charges 'gainst me
    I'm no outlaw, my graciousness, my countess!




    Submitted on 2010-01-26 20:04:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      LOL...well...

    I enjoyed the read.

    It must be of you, my loveliest countess,
    that I shall ask for forgiveness,

    and...

    I beg you, disavow these charges 'gainst me
    I'm no outlaw, my graciousness,

    ,...should answer Daniel's question as to why this Outlaw was on trial...the story is webbed in between, and if read backwards for comprehension's sake, it becomes all the more clear.

    As for imitation, there was none. this is merely an attempt at a now 'obsolete' form. It was symmetrical, the message was expressed. And poems of this form have never been 'the Groveler's of Complexity' so if that's what he was wishing for, he should've looked elsewhere.

    anyhows kudos again.

    Tomas
    | Posted on 2010-02-26 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      in this case i would say two things.

    working inside of a short space is a precise business, if your end bruahahas don't leave you with much room, maybe they are elephants in ballet shoes, this is to say, perhaps they need to get more work done for you rahter than being endstoppy.

    'gainst, though not entirely out of tone, seems out of tone because it points the tha lack of room. If this poem were as dense as the last one of yours that i commented on, then it might not be such a problem, but i feel this one is weakened by being locked inside the constraints of the form. Ever tried to write a villanelle? me too. Mine didn't turn out like the one dylan thomas wrote. So there's an example of someone with the skills using the form to their advantage, and all this says is that you could work on this, and plenty of others, and they will get better.

    As for the outlaw thing i can't get past the fact that he shouldn't be on trial, it's a poem about her, and his serching etc is admirable, so it just sounds like a technical glitch rather than rich poetry.

    Also: i can't count.
    | Posted on 2010-01-29 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      It is your land I have scoured, scourged and for what?
    For everything but you, my loveless countess!

    i like this part because yeah, finding that rarest thing is easy quest, and that's both grand and sad. i don't like the countess part.

    Could you put that in a way that is the embodiment of the thought? rather than a chalk outline? I imagine you could.

    I've killed the passion inside your eyes, your taste
    for all of life and youthfulness, my countess!

    You now stand before love's tribunal, ghastly,
    weary and troubled by this mess, my countess!

    i like the way the to sections act as counterpoints, you could tie it up with something to do with flavour, you could make it undeniable, rather than well coloured. I still don't like the countess part.

    i think the close is throwaway. especially the outlaw deal, and 'gainst,

    also in the previous section she is stood before the tribunal (yes she could be giving testimony but it seems a bit phony to apply to micro(could be more finely detailed)scope on her and then have it be about him in the end.

    basically it's lukewarm inside the form, and therein lies the challenge.

    I'd say that these would be as hard as a villanelle to write, probably harder, so it's a good starting point.
    | Posted on 2010-01-28 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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