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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Muffled.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 461
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1333



    Description:
       I'm experimenting. TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMuffled.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your rippled arms bulge, with
    Their broken neck on your shoulder.
    A weightless weight in your mind.
    Just as long as you can make it through.
    Dodging the high velocity metal that rings past your ear
    You know, and have always known.
    You are truly unknown. As unwelcome.

    A fight against the raging tide,
    The sand in your eyes only grains.
    Nothing matters here;
    Make it through for purpose.
    Though purpose deserted you,
    You will not desert purpose.
    You�ve a mission to finish, that�s right, remember.
    Remember forgets you but, but you always remember.
    Forgotten.

    It sits upon my crumbled brow,
    Unchanging and in need of news.
    How time has ticked- though I knew it would.
    And fear flows from my eyes:
    these faucets; this stream.
    The images repeat in your mind as you focus on my care.
    Passion.
    Love.
    Hurt.
    Write to keep your mind from being disembodied.
    Write for it not to be engulfed in flames.

    I indulge myself in terror every time our doorbell rings.
    I smile politely, careful to not be rude,
    But my mind yells at them: �Don�t speak to me.
    Don�t tell me another word unless it�s news.�




    Submitted on 2010-01-28 20:57:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You have some really killer sonics in that first verse. This is a strange write; I'm curious to know what the experiment was? Anyway, I'm glad you are experimenting, because this is a good.

    I have a couple of suggestion for the whole write, just nitpick changes which I think would make it stronger, pack more of a punch, you know? I'll put my changes in italics so you see what I've done. I hope it's ok, but really, they are just some small suggestions and it's your poem. :)


    Your rippled arms bulge, with
    Their broken neck on your shoulder.
    A weightless weight in your mind.
    Just as long as you can make it through.
    Dodging the high velocity metal that rings past your ear
    You know, and have always known.
    You are truly unknown. As unwelcome.

    A fight against the raging tide,
    The sand in your eyes only grains.
    Nothing matters here;
    Make it through for purpose.
    Though purpose deserted you,
    You will not desert purpose.
    Youve a mission to finish, thats right, remember.
    Remember forgets you but, but you always remember.
    Forgotten.

    It sits upon my crumbled brow,
    Unchanging and in need of news.
    How time has ticked- though I knew it would.
    And fear flows from my eyes:
    these faucets; this stream.

    The images repeat in your mind as you focus on my care.
    Passion.
    Love.
    Hurt.

    Write to keep your mind from being disembodied.
    Write for it not to be engulfed in flames.

    I indulge myself in terror every time our doorbell rings.
    I smile politely, careful to not be rude,
    But my mind yells at them: Dont speak to me.
    Dont tell me another word unless its news.



    These slight changes add a strength to your words, you know? So that it packs a bigger punch. I killed the exclamation marks, too, because I thought you did good at getting that tone across without them, and I've fiddled with syntax in a couple of places just so it has more bite, changed a few line breaks.

    This is really good, in a strange way; like you're being very detailed about the things which don't tell me at all exactly what is going on; something unusual about that, and I really liked it. I'm interested in this you/I situation, who you is and who I is, what relationship they have. There's a darkness and a strength here. I'd love to know what your experiment was...

    Take care

    Aly

    :)
    | Posted on 2010-01-30 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


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