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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Survive.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 742
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1200



    Description:
       I just want the honest truth on what you think. No matter if that is good truth, or bad truth. Please. Bash it if you think it deserves so, praise it, if you think it deserves so. Just experementing once again, so. It would be very helpful of you. :]]]]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSurvive.dots
    -------------------------------------------



    I’ve never had a thought that meant so much to me:
    Embrace;
    drowning;
    never really understanding anything.
    Is it true your eyes can see past my lies?
    Our bodies encrusted in the diamonds so elegantly.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.

    I never meant another thing.
    What I said was meant and what was meant was said.
    But fear holds me, its grip so tight.
    It drains the blood from my limbs, circulation receding.
    Arms limp, useless.
    Dead.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.

    This picture was never painted the way it was supposed to be;
    A too small frame, unfit for our image.
    Tell me what we were really meant to see.
    Your (vagueness) destroys your represented being.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.




    Submitted on 2010-01-30 03:13:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      May I first of all say that this reminded me of something that Lacey from the band Flyleaf would write. The dark overtones of the message just seem like something that band (which happens to be my favorite) would do.

    I enjoyed the repeated lines about the malfunction in the atmosphere and how all this is just a sickness that is not worth fighting. I love the image of the eyes seeing past the lies, and how you compare our bodies to encrusted diamonds. True the seeing past the lies is a cliché, but clichés exist because they are true. Otherwise they would have no meaning.

    I agree with the other two comments on here in regard to the "Arms limp, useless" line. I believe "arms" can be taken out and that the line will still hold its significance. In fact, it really would help the flow of the poem better if it were removed entirely.

    The picture imagery was used brilliantly. It literally painted a picture in my mind, and it summed up the poem pretty well.

    I think you could do without repeating the final line twice. Once should really suffice in this case.

    All in all this was a great read. I am glad I found you on here. You have a great writing style.
    | Posted on 2010-04-27 00:00:00 | by FlickerofHope | [ Reply to This ]
      Great work here. I verymuch enjoyed this one. The only thing I would do is take out the word "Arms" because you've already established that you are referring to the limbs and its redundant and almost contradicting. Plus it adds to the starkness of

    blablabalabalbalbalblablblablablablablablablablabla
    limp, useless
    dead

    | Posted on 2010-02-17 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good.

    Again, I have a couple of suggestion on how you could make it stronger, but the base is there, you know? Like a knife that needs just a little sharpening...

    (and hope you don't mind the suggestions really, I know it's your poem and you can ignore me, of course, and I'm pretty new to this writing thing, so I'm not the best judge)

    I’ve never had a thought that meant so much to me:
    Embrace;
    drowning;
    never really understanding anything.
    Is it true your eyes can see past my lies?
    Our bodies encrusted in the diamonds so elegantly.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.

    I never meant another thing.
    What I said was meant and what was meant was said.
    But fear holds me, its grip so tight.
    It drains the blood from my limbs, circulation receding.
    Arms limp, useless.
    Dead.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.

    This picture was never painted the way it was supposed to be;
    A too small frame, unfit for our image.
    Tell me what we were really meant to see.
    Your (vagueness) destroys your represented being.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.

    A sickness. No use in trying to fight it here.
    A malfunction occurring in our broken atmosphere.


    So you lose the repetition of arms but get a good sound with limbs/limp, you know?
    And I also think, with the repeating refrain, that if you changed it very slightly for the last one, twisted the meaning a little, turned it on its head, that that would work better, too. Though just because I like to have a little twist at the end of a poem, and that could easily just be me.

    This is a solid poem, the sonics are great, and I like how you use a perhaps tired cliché with 'can your eyes see past my lies?', but you make it yours with the diamond line.

    The picture stanza is the high point, for me, but really, I think this is good all the way through, and the form you use, god, I can never use a form without turning bland, but you did it good, kudos :)

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2010-01-30 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


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