you kill my dreams as if they never had a life as if my mind was full of nightmares the whole time with no relief only mischief and grief a starving thief cries herself to sleep and your the only one to hear her weep but you lust sigh and close your eyes to block it out of your mind still never knowing why never knowing later on that night she dies in your arms and in your eyes
first of all I love the "starving thief" that is a great imagery full of, in a way, suffering yet closed in the shadows trying to bring it into the light. The rhythm is good, I could feel it, so to speak. the only thing that I think would make it easier on the reader is breaking up the lines since you didn't use punctuation, that could help the flow of it. I know, in your description, that you say its unedited but, one, it has good potential for a song, and two (once again) if you broke it up I think people would be able to follow it better.