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    dots Submission Name: Once Moredots

    Author: alyssafrench16
    ASL Info:    17/f/inherroomville
    Elite Ratio:    1.95 - 8/22/19
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 652
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 568


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnce Moredots

    Sitting on the cold hard floor,
    counting tiles, each one more,
    sighing softly, remembering to breathe,
    life's a drag, can't you see?

    Time's are changing,
    the wind brings promise,
    of a better tomorrow,
    no hardship, no sorrow.

    But a life so free,
    for you and me,
    isn't life at all,
    when you're gone

    So I lay back down,
    on the cold hard floor,
    and think to myself,
    it'll never be once more.

    Submitted on 2010-02-01 21:53:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the first three lines. Smart, flawless and well written. Then I encountered problems.

    "life's a drag, can't you see? "

    It's too simple, to plain, to cliché. There's no spice to make us rock. Sure, it rhymes, but the meaning isn't there.

    "of a better tomorrow,
    no sorrow, no hardship."

    This one is easier to fix, just place sorrow after hardship. It rhymes, and it keeps the meaning.

    "But a life so free,
    for you and me,
    isn't life at all,
    when you're gone"

    The first three lines, they're good, but I just don't see it. Well, I don't feel it.

    The final line broke the rhythm. "Isn't life at all, when you're all alone" Or something like that would have been better. Or something

    "So I lay back down,
    on the cold hard floor,
    and think to myself,
    it'll never be once more. "

    For some reason I love the word dead, it's a lot more powerful...

    "So as I lay back down
    On the cold dead floor.."

    It sounds better, at least to me. But really, it's your work.

    Overall, it's good, not great. Needs work, but you'll get there. Keep on writing!

    | Posted on 2010-02-04 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]
      the only prb i have is tht in the third verse the last 2 lines dont rhyme when they should the way it is now it dosent flow well
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by Alilia | [ Reply to This ]

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