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    dots Submission Name: The Kissdots

    Author: gothgirl101
    ASL Info:    18/F/Pelham,AL
    Elite Ratio:    1.99 - 10/41/17
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Love
    Total Views: 806
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 785


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Kissdots

    Before you die let me breathe one last breath in you,

    Let your soul lift from your body and be with me always.

    For I will feel your heartbeat against my cold and resembling flesh of my true love for you,

    Your warm heart is what I long for and always will until the end of the earth's last revolution.

    For it is you that I want to be with and no one else,

    As you listen to me may your warm and lucious kiss long to me like a calf needs his mother's milk.

    For it is your body I long for, but your kiss I need,

    Let it be released from you like a baby bird flying from its nest, not knowing what may happen...

    But he's willing to take a risk...

    Submitted on 2010-02-02 07:54:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I'mma have to agree with all the others. I'd have liked this if you had made images with your words. And, like others said. Some of the wording didn't make sense, at all. I think it was a good idea, you have something in your head waiting to reach out and touch the words but you need to work on getting that out ^~^ Keep trying mu dear!
    | Posted on 2010-02-05 00:00:00 | by Scaredheart | [ Reply to This ]
      Heyo to you as well. Do I know you from somewhere or this site? Anyway I'm about to turn in for the night so I'll be brief.

    This line makes no sense. "For I will feel your heartbeat against my cold and resembling flesh of my true love for you," Now I'm not stupid I understand what you're getting at but with the current wording it's akward at best so I'd retool that. Also this needs work.

    As you listen to me may your warm and lucious kiss long to me like a calf needs his mother's milk.
    The long to me needs to be reworded. I'm not on much these days since i haven't written in years but if you need help I'd be happy to offer suggestions. Other than those petty things. It speaks of passion I like narative pieces a bit more. Fill in the blanks are they dying? What's the scene what are they like. I like to be taken there.
    | Posted on 2010-02-04 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Pelham, this is not so good, Pelham. And given that two kiwi blokes have at various times offered thoughts on how you might improve your work, i have to say that perhaps new zealanders are unsuited to the vocation of teaching.

    Now, you know that i think you are the grooviest kid in moxley, so don't think i mean to be mean.

    it's not so good, imo.
    | Posted on 2010-02-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I lack the insight to see how this is poetry. Complete sentences, words that really don't paint much of a picture.

    Sure, there is emotion there, but not enough.

    The concept though, is rather cliché? none the less, it was crafted well around it, at the very least.

    I'm not much of a fan of free style (even though my own works tend to range within freestyle and rhyme verses).

    All I can say is try to place more emotions in your works. Whether you finish or not is none important; good works have to display lots of emotions. Sorrow, hate, anger, frustration, love, envy, etc.

    God Speed
    | Posted on 2010-02-03 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the strong feelings you put here and the images are good but in this piece it is as if you started with a very strong image but struggled to sustain it, maybe a bit cliché in places but overall not so bad. I feel it needs some polishing and a bit of smoothing out and then it can be a powerful piece altogether. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2010-02-03 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Love that strong can lead to dark things
    I didn't get much of a picture in my head
    scenery is important to me
    keep it up though
    It sounds as if you held nothing back on this I Like that :)
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      keep up the great poems
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by middybear | [ Reply to This ]
      it petty good but i little bit moore plzz
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by angelagresham19 | [ Reply to This ]
      sure you need to go back and use spell check but other than that it is an EXCELLENT poem of love and passion. ^__^
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by 13thprotector | [ Reply to This ]
      thine grammer is absolutely useless.
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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