Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Kissdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: gothgirl101
    ASL Info:    18/F/Pelham,AL
    Elite Ratio:    1.99 - 10/41/17
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Love
    Total Views: 769
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 785



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Kissdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Before you die let me breathe one last breath in you,

    Let your soul lift from your body and be with me always.

    For I will feel your heartbeat against my cold and resembling flesh of my true love for you,

    Your warm heart is what I long for and always will until the end of the earth's last revolution.

    For it is you that I want to be with and no one else,

    As you listen to me may your warm and lucious kiss long to me like a calf needs his mother's milk.

    For it is your body I long for, but your kiss I need,

    Let it be released from you like a baby bird flying from its nest, not knowing what may happen...

    But he's willing to take a risk...




    Submitted on 2010-02-02 07:54:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'mma have to agree with all the others. I'd have liked this if you had made images with your words. And, like others said. Some of the wording didn't make sense, at all. I think it was a good idea, you have something in your head waiting to reach out and touch the words but you need to work on getting that out ^~^ Keep trying mu dear!
    | Posted on 2010-02-05 00:00:00 | by Scaredheart | [ Reply to This ]
      Heyo to you as well. Do I know you from somewhere or this site? Anyway I'm about to turn in for the night so I'll be brief.

    This line makes no sense. "For I will feel your heartbeat against my cold and resembling flesh of my true love for you," Now I'm not stupid I understand what you're getting at but with the current wording it's akward at best so I'd retool that. Also this needs work.

    As you listen to me may your warm and lucious kiss long to me like a calf needs his mother's milk.
    The long to me needs to be reworded. I'm not on much these days since i haven't written in years but if you need help I'd be happy to offer suggestions. Other than those petty things. It speaks of passion I like narative pieces a bit more. Fill in the blanks are they dying? What's the scene what are they like. I like to be taken there.
    | Posted on 2010-02-04 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Pelham, this is not so good, Pelham. And given that two kiwi blokes have at various times offered thoughts on how you might improve your work, i have to say that perhaps new zealanders are unsuited to the vocation of teaching.

    Now, you know that i think you are the grooviest kid in moxley, so don't think i mean to be mean.

    it's not so good, imo.
    | Posted on 2010-02-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I lack the insight to see how this is poetry. Complete sentences, words that really don't paint much of a picture.

    Sure, there is emotion there, but not enough.

    The concept though, is rather cliché? none the less, it was crafted well around it, at the very least.

    I'm not much of a fan of free style (even though my own works tend to range within freestyle and rhyme verses).

    All I can say is try to place more emotions in your works. Whether you finish or not is none important; good works have to display lots of emotions. Sorrow, hate, anger, frustration, love, envy, etc.

    God Speed
    | Posted on 2010-02-03 00:00:00 | by Dark Dann | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the strong feelings you put here and the images are good but in this piece it is as if you started with a very strong image but struggled to sustain it, maybe a bit cliché in places but overall not so bad. I feel it needs some polishing and a bit of smoothing out and then it can be a powerful piece altogether. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2010-02-03 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Love that strong can lead to dark things
    I didn't get much of a picture in my head
    scenery is important to me
    keep it up though
    It sounds as if you held nothing back on this I Like that :)
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      keep up the great poems
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by middybear | [ Reply to This ]
      it petty good but i little bit moore plzz
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by angelagresham19 | [ Reply to This ]
      sure you need to go back and use spell check but other than that it is an EXCELLENT poem of love and passion. ^__^
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by 13thprotector | [ Reply to This ]
      thine grammer is absolutely useless.
    | Posted on 2010-02-02 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    182530

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    The World written by jjd
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Carry written by saartha
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    prison written by ShyOne
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry