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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Untouchabledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AtrophyEmpathos
    ASL Info:    19 M California
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 45/55/29
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 793
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 836



    Description:
       One of my more desperately emotional pieces. Hardly poetry... but I feel this is one of the better evocations of my feelings.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntouchabledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Again, hope is lost.
    Funny, just today while I was walking,
    A thin strand of spider web hung delicately in the air,
    Rapt in the wind but floating free.
    The sun caught it in a glistening shimmer and
    For a moment it seemed very beautiful and important.
    But as I reached out to touch the strand it snagged -
    Wrapping around my hand, it was cruelly destroyed.

    Even as I walked on and brushed the remnants aside,
    A faint tingle played at my nerves maddeningly, ever present.
    Though is was nothing and I knew it only for a moment,
    Its delicate fading would not be ignored.
    However little that it mattered in the greater sense
    It was a part of me;
    It would linger in my heart
    Long after it had been forgotten in my mind.




    Submitted on 2004-07-23 04:12:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      To me, this applies generally to life. As in, no matter how tiny and unimportant things may be, they always have an effect on your life. Not immediately perhaps, but someday you'll recall those tiny unimportant details again.
    | Posted on 2004-08-02 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      wow .. i like this alot. good piece.keep it up.. its great. lol. i dont know what u mean by hardly poetry b/c words are just words. and poetry is just about how u feel. its great i like it alot..
    | Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by natasha | [ Reply to This ]
      nice meteaphor...original...and i could feel it...that web...even after it is gone...your mind feels it still...loike when you start to itch at the mere sight of the mosuito...great job...
    | Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes I would go with the non-colonics...
    And the poem though prose-like does evoke what you set out to evoke I think.
    A remembrance though real, one of hopeful inconsequence. The spider web ####### is a clever one and not over-used though I would consider moving violently to the word before destroyed...
    It would read better - for me at least.
    And welcome indeed.
    Later,
    K
    | Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this very nicely evokes that wispy way some memories have of haunting us,--the cobweb metaphor is perfectly deployed here. I think it is poetic,--prose-poetry perhaps, and certainly has some tangible imagery--(it makes me brish away a cobweb--that isn't there--)The only suggestion I can think of to improve it would be to play with these lines--
    "But as I reached out to touch the strand it snagged;
    Wrapping violently around my hand, it was destroyed."

    Perhaps it is the semi-colon--or the "wrapping violently" part---or maybe just the word "violently" itself--maybe "cruelly" or "fiercely" That was the only part i stumbled over--but the over-all effect is delicately, yet powerfully evocative.
    Good One, Silver
    | Posted on 2004-08-04 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]


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