I woke up from almighty, cool oblivion in a world of fire and flame that did not burn, bodies that needed no clothing, a forest feral and untamed. My heart thrilled to the sound of the screech-owls crying, the tigress hunting for the kill, the monkeys cackling their witch-song in the trees. I was like a newborn in this world of purely good, purely bliss... and a darker something, something that did not belong here. The trees made no marks on the ground, no shadows, and I felt a desire to cast blackness on the earth.... to give them doppelgangers.
Then, I looked and saw IT. The first thought on my newly-formed mind: God, I need a drink.
Seriously. Beer gut hanging out already and it not even the eighth day of creation, nether regions literally a fucking bush, hair a mess, and leering at my rack like a guy in a "gentleman's club" at Jenna Jameson.
"LILITH," an omnipotent voice boomed from the sky. Oh, I thought, so THAT'S my name. I much prefer Regina, thank you, but that'll do. "Lilith." I can envision a line of shoes with that on it... "THIS IS ADAM. HE IS TO BE YOUR MATE."
"My who? My what?" Like, my buddy? Awesome. I can use a sidekick.
"YOU ARE TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM."
"Huh? What?" Oh, that voice cannot be serious. Children? Couldn't I just split myself in half?
"GIRL. SERIOUSLY. LAY HIM."
Ew. I ain't touching that. Seriously, if this voice-thing can boom from the sky, can't he give me a year or so to get to know this guy? You know, hi, what's your name, favorite color? "Um, how 'bout no."
Adam looked at me, insulted. "What, I'm not good enough for you?"
I blinked, indignany. "Well, I don't know. I just got created two point five seconds ago. I don't even know my type yet. For all I know, I could be lesbian." Actually, appealing thought.
"Well, you're not. You're straight and you're mine."
I crossed my arms. "Excuse me? How the hell do you know?"
Adam glared at me, then pointed a finger at the sky. "HE told me so!"
"Yeah, and he-she-it-they-whatever told me I'm your fuck buddy. I don't think so." I leaned against a tree, feeling something stirring in me. Jeez, I thought, have they even invented alcohol yet? Note to self: get some grapes and let 'em ferment a while. I'm gonna need it. "I don't even know you."
Adam shrugged. "Don't know you myself, lady."
"Then how do you know you're not-I don't know-gay, or pansexual?"
I thought, puzzled. "Well, I think I just invented it."
We continued our discussion for a few more minutes, until that annoying schizophrenic voice cut in again. "LILITH. WHY DO YOU DEFY ME?"
I looked up at the blue horizon, feeling my jaw tighten into a line. "What the hell does a girl have to do to get a visual of the voice in the sky down here?"
"ADAM, FOR ONE THING."
"Nah, I pass."
"What? Aren't you the deity?"
"OH. RIGHT. BITCH, DO IT NOW!"
And now I was getting backsass from an invisible booming orderer in the sky. No. Fucking. Way.
"Right, then, I'm off." I turned on my heel and followed the sound of the screech owls, feeling a small pulse of something "other," something almost... primal, undulating in the distance. I wanted to find IT, whatever it was.
"Aw shit." Love you too, Adam...
And so I danced on my merry way, and that blank-faced Eve took over my place. Good luck to her-and look how THAT happened.
Well, with every blessing comes its little curse. Hell, now even Lucifer wants me... and even the King of Bad (yeah, right) can't have me. Willingly, that is. Screw Mary, I'm the REAL Ice Queen of the Testament. What's a screech-owl demon got to do to get some street cred around here? Kill off some kids? Oh, wait, they're attributing THAT to me too. And all because I just wanted a little Women's Lib about two thousand years ahead of schedule. Jesus Christ.