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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Praying Mantisdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 319
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2613



    Description:
       I found this beautiful Mantis, her body was crushed but she was still alive...

    I realise this needs a lot of work and would appreciate it if you guys point out where things go a bit weak or offer some improvement advice as I cannot see because I have been looking at it for too long.

    I need fresh eyes dammit!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPraying Mantisdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Today
    in silence,
    you rest,
    a segregated polygon
    of chestnut optics
    and filament receivers,
    denied the signal of life
    infinitely.

    The twigs in your jaw
    clutch an eternal smile
    as if to assure me
    with a promise
    that the rhythm
    of vitality merely shifts
    to a higher calling.
    Unceasing.

    Yesterday
    spoke
    with baritone songs
    and ocular displays
    of untrimmed
    rose bushes and bees
    searching for gold
    between empty cradles,
    a vista
    for your broken frame,
    beautiful,
    dying.

    I noticed
    cracks, tears
    and mayhem
    wrapping
    your timberesque
    carriage,
    keeping you alive,
    suspended in torture.

    You touched me
    in places evicted
    from feeling,
    barren orifices
    abandoned,
    yet alive.

    For a moment
    I felt closer
    to a dying Mantis,
    than to all of humanity.

    You
    found rest,
    cupped in calloused palms
    and weary fingers
    caressing your structure
    amongst bird songs
    and dandelions
    swaying
    to nature's breath.

    Clouds dispersed,
    as if running away
    to happier places
    as exiled tears
    flew past you,
    down
    between fingers,
    away from me.
    Gone.

    The wind grows cold now
    and I carry you away,
    to be free.

    A creeping peace
    reached out from
    your perfect spheres,
    unspeakable majesties
    of calculated creation,
    as I coaxed
    the sharp chrome,
    riding the cleft
    between body
    and
    neck,
    to sever you
    from the tainted canvas
    holding you back.

    Sadness caressed
    my hands
    as your movements
    grew quiet
    but your smile
    warmed me
    in knowing assurance,
    making me feel
    somewhat human
    in a time where
    few understand
    what it means
    to step around
    friendly faces.

    Now
    I keep your head,
    your character
    inside my pocket,
    not as a trophy
    or for luck.

    Only to remember
    you
    as you were.
    Something
    to hold on to.

    A sad memento
    of beauty
    Immortalised.

    An ode to frailty.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2010-02-09 08:58:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is beautiful as well.

    I envy the fluidity of your story telling. It feels so easy and unforced.

    With all due respect though, I kind of agree with phil askew. I also think that it could've ended in S5 because I think that the plot has already been completed there.

    But then again, I'm not the one who wrote this so, I may be wrong. They do feel like a necessary exploration of the idea brought up by S5 so they could work as well.

    @Runes - I think we're using 30%. But, again, I could be wrong.
    | Posted on 2010-06-17 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I find bugs fascinating things, although I haven't studied them as of late. (It's a mushroom thing to do, when you have the eyes to appreciate all the intricacies you're observing... hard to remember completely afterwards though.)

    I hate seeing things dying... there is some connection it makes, in my head, between energy/soul... it depletes me, for lack of a better word, because I don't like the gain I get from it, and I always feel like instead of receiving some knowledge, I am just losing a piece of myself through the connection. And when things conjure back, if I was connected to them, it's never pleasant... it's like, there's an anger factor involved.

    I do believe Mantis are of a higher species than humans, in a sense... we say their brains are so tiny... like sex, it's not necessary the size of the brain, but what you do with it? (what a horrible analogy, but I'm going to stand behind it... I am). How do we know it's not using 100%, while we're tapping... what is our percentage use again? Maybe language wasn't necessary. Maybe insects are telepathic. They get their points across without having to write/fax/converse details. And is it coincidental that Aliens are supposedly giant mantis-headed beings?

    I'm just saying... maybe bigger ain't better. Definitely out of all the insects, Mantis is what is most 'disturbing' to people. I've known people who refuse to touch them (or kill them) out of a basic ingrained taboo-fear they can't explain, while they whack other bugs indiscriminately. Praying Mantis... Messiah... Coincidence? Maybe not.
    | Posted on 2010-05-28 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this right up through S5, where I thought it should have ended. Perhaps you could expand those five a wee bit. From S5 onwards becomes a bit wordy and overpowering idea-wise. Those first 5 stanza are terrific. I think if you review this you'll agree.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      i think overall, this is lovely. i do not have nitpicking eyes/or fresh ones for that matter.

    there are days when sometimes the smallest most miraculous being can instill a gratitude with quiet observation. and i am left with this feeling...

    once i found a drangonfly who was dying. i had never had chance to actually observe one up close because they are usually flitting about. anyway... just before he died, he looked at me, seriously looked at me, folded his arms and sighed. i felt like i was part of something incredibly special. (i still have him almost 10 years later). and to this day, they follow me whenever i see them.

    anyhoo. sorry not much in the help department. but this was a good read.
    | Posted on 2010-02-09 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    182793

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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