Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Molding Process


Author: prettybaby
Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191 /194 /59
Words: 106
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 967
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 717



Description:


This is a sonnet written in iambic pentameter. I'm trying to be friends with meter, but it is quite difficult.


The Molding Process



The street lights drip into the quiet dark
of sidewalks left abandoned for the sea-
son. Every moment mimics what it was
before, when nothing was beyond belief.
The squelching mud beneath your shoes consents
to every stomp that shivers through your bones.
You don’t know why you thought to acquiesce
to sidewalk chalk and private classroom notes.
Before “real life,” hot cocoa solved your prob-
lems; sparkling lights reflected holidays.
These empty streets remind you of your loss,
as growing up was not a choice you made.
The years have marred your dreams, revised the truth;
now one plus one is volumes more than two.




Submitted on 2010-02-10 01:18:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Your imagery is beautiful!

I had to read thought he first few lines a few times because I couldn't figure out if you were trying to say "season" or "sea son". (I came to the conclusion that it was probably season.)

I do agree with Aly that the first line would be much stronger if you took out the beginning "the".

While I like lines 9 and 10, they sound a bit awkward:

[Before “real life,” hot cocoa solved your prob-
lems; sparkling lights reflected holidays.]

I think that this might fit in a bit easier:
{Before "real life" hot cocoa solved your problems
and sparkling lights reflected holidays.}

Well done! ^_^
| Posted on 2010-03-04 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this, but I have a couple of nitpicks, I hope that's ok, to share them, I mean, and if not, then I'm very sorry.

I think your first line would read better without that first the, so it begins 'Street lights drip' I think that's stronger. I also think you should be consistent with either using upper-case at the beginning of every line or not, this way it's a little off-putting, with it being a little mish-mashy there.

Also, I'm not sure that squelchy quite fits your tone, so maybe something else instead, because that sticks out a little thumb-like, you know?

And the last one, 'Every moment mirrors what it was/before it was somewhere you had to leave', the repetition of that was, I think maybe use became, in place of that last one, to lose that?

You have some gorgeous images in this, and your starting one is killer, too, light dripping into quiet dark. And I like how you split season, really like that, so the sea recalls the dripping of the light, like liquid, and then becomes season, something else entirely.

And I like how you mention sparkling lights, which recalls the bleak 'lights drip' from your first line, that comparison and recalling, it really works.

Your transition from how things are now in real life to the hot cocoa is spot on, and comes at the perfect time, too, I think, it's a good transition. :)

And your ending is killer, it speaks to me of loss, determination, hopefulness, loneliness, isolation, somehow all of those things, together, like it could be good, this one plus but one, but it isn't for you, because you are just one, you know?

I hope you didn't mind the nitpicks.

Take care,

Aly
| Posted on 2010-02-10 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  First impressions were that this piece means a lot to you and you put a lot of emotion into it. Then I have to say I enjoyed it but there are a few stumbles in the punctuation and chopping up words where it felt unneccesary. The piece is emotive and strong but not projected well in my opinion, the words seem to be aimed inward, to yourself and less projected towards the reader. I enjoyed it, I believe you have potential to write great things if you choose to.
| Posted on 2010-02-10 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



182815