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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Black Widow V2dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellesmera
    ASL Info:    18. Female. England
    Elite Ratio:    1.6 - 43/263/115
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 800
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 619



    Description:
       I kinda got challenged to see if I can improve on this.
    This is the original

    Your all caught in my
    web of lies
    the sun filters down on
    you look like, butterflies.

    I see the broken smile
    on your face
    i hear the frightened cries
    of disgrace.

    I dont wanna give up
    on your love
    I dont wanna let go
    of your touch.

    I hear the frightened cries,
    see the broken smile
    you look like butterflies
    i dont wanna let go...

    See the difference?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlack Widow V2dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're all caught in my
    web of lies
    the sun filters down on
    you
    look like butterflies.

    Fluttering wings rip like lace
    The dying beat of your heart as you
    Fade without a trace
    The web I weaved was there
    As a safety net to catch you

    As you fall
    down
    on to your knees you go
    Don't be afraid I wont let go
    Take from you the
    heart of all your pain

    I hear the frightened cries,
    see the broken smile
    you
    look like butterflies
    i dont wanna let go...




    Submitted on 2010-02-10 22:47:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i think youre well on the way to making something great from this. thank you for taking the challenge and for trying something a little different.

    the first word of the piece should be you're


    i really like the way youve experimented with line breaks to make more effective use of your words and imagery... thats awesome

    maybe try to find another way of saying 'fall from grace'... thats the only line that really bugged me because its so... cliché and you have done so well to drag the piece in a non-cliché direction.

    i absolutely adore the butterfly wings ripping like lace... thats a fab image right there!

    thanks for bringing me back to this piece
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    182855

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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