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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Parallel Heartsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Xiallia
    ASL Info:    17-F-Missing Osaka[IL]
    Elite Ratio:    1.49 - 3/23/32
    Words: 224
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1318



    Description:
       More Song!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsParallel Heartsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    We
    Saw the power to change the future
    In our dream

    In the midst of the noise, I heard your cry
    It exposed my weakness as I was laughing

    The road that you go on is only known to you
    So chase after a different sky

    We desire the courage to face toward the future
    So we get lost in the past
    Until I return to the true present
    Where you laugh


    Thinking that I want to learn about you, for the first time
    I was daunted by the distance between our hearts that cant come together

    We understood that we couldnt understand each other, so with just that
    Were starting

    I want to embrace your tears, pains, and everything
    But I feel that the more I run, the farther I become from you and I get worried
    Where should I go?


    In the midst of the noise, I hear your singing
    Now I can see my form that Id lost

    Please give me the power to change
    The future that I wouldve gone through by myself
    You laugh, and with just that
    I can fly high

    We desire the courage to connect hearts
    So we get lost in love
    Until I return to my true self
    That laughs with you




    Submitted on 2010-02-11 00:56:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You seem to be talking to God; but maybe that would be an even more challenging partnership!
    | Posted on 2010-03-28 00:00:00 | by lakesblue | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some good thoughts here. With a little rewording, this could be quite good. Two people, existing in two different realities who have discovered the only things they have in common are their budding feelings for eachother.

    I would reword it something like this:

    We
    Saw the power to change the future
    In our dream.

    In the midst of noise I hear you cry;
    It exposed my weakness as I was laughing.

    The road you travel is known only to you;
    So chase after a different sky.

    We desire the courage to face the future
    (or)
    We desire the courage to turn our faces toward
    the future
    But we get lost in the past...
    Until I return to the present
    Where I hear you laugh.

    I want to learn more about you for the first time
    (or)
    For the first time, I want to learn more about you
    I was daunted by the distance between our hearts...,
    Can they come together?
    ( You say they can't come together here but in other spots in the poem it looks like you are trying to bring them together, so this leaves the reader with options as to the ultimate ending.)

    We understood
    That we couldn't understand eachother;
    With that alone we are starting a new journey
    (or)
    We are starting out with this alone

    I want to embrace your tears, your pain,
    And everything in between
    (when you use the term "and everything", it sound like an afterthought prefix you might add in common speech when you are at a loss for words...if you use "everything" it has to lead somewhere)
    But the more I run, the farther I retreat from you
    And I worry...
    Where should I go?

    In the midst of noise, I hear you singing;
    Now I can see the part of myself I lost
    (or)
    Now I can see the former self I lost.

    Please give me the power to change
    the future I would have gone into alone...
    You laugh, and with this
    I fly high.

    We desire the courage to connect our hearts
    So we can get lost in love,
    Until I return to my true self
    That laughs with you.

    ***********

    Try to avoid using words such as the, that, and, etc, unless they are absolutely necessary; their omission alone can create a smoother reading experience while still communicating the same thought.

    Take Care,
    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-02-11 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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