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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'm cold. I miss you.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AshKetchumLuv
    ASL Info:    17/Ladeh/Nonyabeezwax
    Elite Ratio:    6.63 - 14/15/12
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Haiku/Longing
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 435



    Description:
       Uhh, this is how I feel now. I miss my boyfriend, Dylan, so much. I don't want to wait to see him, like I usually do... but it's never a long wait. I'm just cold and lonely at this moment. I know this isn't your traditional haiku- none of mine are- and that my closing stanza isn't perfect but... whatever. It's not for you.


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    dotsI'm cold. I miss you.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm cold. I miss you.
    If you were here with me, then
    I'd never be neither.


    You are at home though.
    I am here, lonely and cold.
    But you would be here.


    So many of them,
    restrictions we heard about.
    Time will bring us close.


    I'm cold. I miss you.
    If only you could keep my
    hands warm with your own.




    Submitted on 2010-02-11 22:13:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Like your description says, it's not for me, but you've also set yourself up if you didn't want anyone's opinion about it either! With that note, I might tread into places you don't really feel are necessary or justified, so excuse me in advance.

    I really like the idea of this poem. The raw, back-to-the-basics feel about how love is supposed to be portrayed. Longing is a very popular concept, and I think you explained it well according to your circumstances.

    I apologize in advance, but I feel a comment is lacking without SOME criticism, even though this might be a touchy subject for you.

    I thought it was kind of dry for what should be a love poem. The emotions are not always clear because you're using concepts that not only can people relate to, but that people have seen on this site more than a bunch.

    I know it can be hard to express your feelings in haiku because of it's style, but more thought could make your feelings more genuine and really make all the syllables in your haiku matter.
    | Posted on 2010-02-16 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your final stanza is the best.

    There's a simplicity to this poem which I really like, the simple saying and being and not using any speacail devies, other than the haiku form, of course, but I think the form is perfect. It keeps this small enough to let your words breathe.

    Missing and pining for that warmth is a pain. I hope you get to see him soon, feel a little (a lot) loved, do the lovely love thing :)

    Will you show him this?

    I only ask because I'm curious, so send me a slap if I'm crossing the line, yeah? :)

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


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