[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: last nite.dots

    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 763
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 509

       about: literally put to words what i experienced last nite. 'her' is my ex girlfriend who recently left me.

    feedback: only respond if you liked or hated the words. i don't want a lecture on grammar, structure, etc.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslast nite.dots

    he staggers, like he sometimes does

    without her.
    not a crutch;
    he trusts her beat
    to balance him.

    hand on the wall, fingernails searching

    eyes stung,
    head spun;
    he trusted her breath
    to rock-a-bye him.

    knees buckling, like he is

    without her.
    hands shaken;
    he trusted himself
    to love her soul.

    Submitted on 2010-02-12 13:26:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I found this by just clicking through other people's submissions and whatever. I didn't leave any comments because it either didn't strike a chord in me or I felt that I am really no one to be critiquing someone's art...

    But there is something about your stuff that I can really relate to. You have a lot of submissions but if I ever have the time I wish I could read all of them.

    Some of your stuff sounds like it just goes with some of the music I listen to. I also noticed that a lot of your titles seem to be taken from other things or inspired by them.

    This in particular kind of hurts to read. Like I know where you've been... It has this kind of echo-y feel to it. Like I'm screaming down an empty hallway, won't you stay? I don't know how to describe. Very nice though. You should write more.

    | Posted on 2010-04-20 00:00:00 | by opheliasank | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes love is the strongest drug available...
    this gives off that junkie-shake surge of need which I find raw-honest. Very well done. I don't mind "soul" but it's predictable... I think maybe that's what they meant in those comments below. Predictable isn't bad, but something uncommon would clinch it.

    I guess my next question would be unrelated to the poetry, and just curiosity in general: Who the hell would name their son Keegan?
    | Posted on 2010-04-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      lop soul off the end, and then count me in as a ditto for what isabella said,

    this is gentle and full of thought, deep and moodless as summer.
    | Posted on 2010-02-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not bad, the words aren't terrible as a whole. I liked it, for the most part, and disregarding form, meter, and structure.

    I'd give you advice, and help you make this a better piece through the wonders of modern english, but you don't want that.

    So... I've got nothing else.

    Keep writing.

    -Keegan Ryan Gilmore
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, this is achy in that - god, it's so damn empty here without you. when you feel all of your purpose has been sucked out. all the light. all the love. like all the othersideofmeness has somehow been severed and you feel lost without that touch of something that makes your days worth breathing.

    and it's not in a needy way.

    more like:

    he trusted himself
    to love her soul.

    kind of way.

    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    ME written by jjd
    Bre-anna written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    an explanation of how i was not good written by Daniel Barlow
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    ... written by Daniel Barlow
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Instances written by hyproglo
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    Stance written by Daniel Barlow
    Some of it written by Daniel Barlow
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    "other people don't get that" written by Daniel Barlow
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Legends written by poetotoe




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]