Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: last nite.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 656
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 509



    Description:
       about: literally put to words what i experienced last nite. 'her' is my ex girlfriend who recently left me.

    feedback: only respond if you liked or hated the words. i don't want a lecture on grammar, structure, etc.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslast nite.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    he staggers, like he sometimes does

    without her.
    not a crutch;
    aconstantheart
    he trusts her beat
    to balance him.

    hand on the wall, fingernails searching

    eyes stung,
    head spun;
    sleephasn’tfoundhim
    he trusted her breath
    to rock-a-bye him.

    knees buckling, like he is

    without her.
    hands shaken;
    hepraysforherhappiness
    he trusted himself
    to love her soul.




    Submitted on 2010-02-12 13:26:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I found this by just clicking through other people's submissions and whatever. I didn't leave any comments because it either didn't strike a chord in me or I felt that I am really no one to be critiquing someone's art...

    But there is something about your stuff that I can really relate to. You have a lot of submissions but if I ever have the time I wish I could read all of them.

    Some of your stuff sounds like it just goes with some of the music I listen to. I also noticed that a lot of your titles seem to be taken from other things or inspired by them.

    This in particular kind of hurts to read. Like I know where you've been... It has this kind of echo-y feel to it. Like I'm screaming down an empty hallway, won't you stay? I don't know how to describe. Very nice though. You should write more.

    -ophelia-
    | Posted on 2010-04-20 00:00:00 | by opheliasank | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes love is the strongest drug available...
    this gives off that junkie-shake surge of need which I find raw-honest. Very well done. I don't mind "soul" but it's predictable... I think maybe that's what they meant in those comments below. Predictable isn't bad, but something uncommon would clinch it.

    I guess my next question would be unrelated to the poetry, and just curiosity in general: Who the hell would name their son Keegan?
    | Posted on 2010-04-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      lop soul off the end, and then count me in as a ditto for what isabella said,

    this is gentle and full of thought, deep and moodless as summer.
    | Posted on 2010-02-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not bad, the words aren't terrible as a whole. I liked it, for the most part, and disregarding form, meter, and structure.

    I'd give you advice, and help you make this a better piece through the wonders of modern english, but you don't want that.

    So... I've got nothing else.

    Keep writing.

    -Keegan Ryan Gilmore
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, this is achy in that - god, it's so damn empty here without you. when you feel all of your purpose has been sucked out. all the light. all the love. like all the othersideofmeness has somehow been severed and you feel lost without that touch of something that makes your days worth breathing.

    and it's not in a needy way.

    more like:

    he trusted himself
    to love her soul.

    kind of way.


    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    182907

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    prison written by ShyOne
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Records I written by Raphael
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Carry written by saartha
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Yes written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Shi written by ShyOne
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry