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    dots Submission Name: last nite.dots

    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 656
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 509

       about: literally put to words what i experienced last nite. 'her' is my ex girlfriend who recently left me.

    feedback: only respond if you liked or hated the words. i don't want a lecture on grammar, structure, etc.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslast nite.dots

    he staggers, like he sometimes does

    without her.
    not a crutch;
    he trusts her beat
    to balance him.

    hand on the wall, fingernails searching

    eyes stung,
    head spun;
    he trusted her breath
    to rock-a-bye him.

    knees buckling, like he is

    without her.
    hands shaken;
    he trusted himself
    to love her soul.

    Submitted on 2010-02-12 13:26:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I found this by just clicking through other people's submissions and whatever. I didn't leave any comments because it either didn't strike a chord in me or I felt that I am really no one to be critiquing someone's art...

    But there is something about your stuff that I can really relate to. You have a lot of submissions but if I ever have the time I wish I could read all of them.

    Some of your stuff sounds like it just goes with some of the music I listen to. I also noticed that a lot of your titles seem to be taken from other things or inspired by them.

    This in particular kind of hurts to read. Like I know where you've been... It has this kind of echo-y feel to it. Like I'm screaming down an empty hallway, won't you stay? I don't know how to describe. Very nice though. You should write more.

    | Posted on 2010-04-20 00:00:00 | by opheliasank | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes love is the strongest drug available...
    this gives off that junkie-shake surge of need which I find raw-honest. Very well done. I don't mind "soul" but it's predictable... I think maybe that's what they meant in those comments below. Predictable isn't bad, but something uncommon would clinch it.

    I guess my next question would be unrelated to the poetry, and just curiosity in general: Who the hell would name their son Keegan?
    | Posted on 2010-04-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      lop soul off the end, and then count me in as a ditto for what isabella said,

    this is gentle and full of thought, deep and moodless as summer.
    | Posted on 2010-02-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not bad, the words aren't terrible as a whole. I liked it, for the most part, and disregarding form, meter, and structure.

    I'd give you advice, and help you make this a better piece through the wonders of modern english, but you don't want that.

    So... I've got nothing else.

    Keep writing.

    -Keegan Ryan Gilmore
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, this is achy in that - god, it's so damn empty here without you. when you feel all of your purpose has been sucked out. all the light. all the love. like all the othersideofmeness has somehow been severed and you feel lost without that touch of something that makes your days worth breathing.

    and it's not in a needy way.

    more like:

    he trusted himself
    to love her soul.

    kind of way.

    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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