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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: No One Can Touch My Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AshKetchumLuv
    ASL Info:    17/Ladeh/Nonyabeezwax
    Elite Ratio:    6.63 - 14/15/12
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 493
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 644



    Description:
       I... don't want to talk about it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNo One Can Touch My Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I need your arms around me
    to hold me together.
    I'm waiting for you to remind me
    about forever.


    You're at home, I bet
    without a care in the world.
    And I'm here, huddled in a ball
    that one lonely girl.


    I try to cry, but aparrently
    it's easier to do with witnesses.
    And the tears come along fast
    when I think of you calling me, "My princess."


    I wish you could see how broken I am
    when we are so far apart.
    So until you can see me again,
    no one can touch my heart.




    Submitted on 2010-02-13 12:18:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I try to cry, but aparrently
    it's easier to do with witnesses.
    And the tears come along fast
    when I think of you calling me, "My princess."


    That was my least favorite part.

    apparently* not my issue though

    witnesses feels forced with my princess just syllable wise.

    Great start, skyhawk gave solid pointers, i think you certainly have a foundation. if you edit i'd love to see the revised copy.
    | Posted on 2010-02-15 00:00:00 | by The Wolverine | [ Reply to This ]
      I believe you have a solid layout here. Your ideas are all there, however it is now time for you to be poetic about it.

    Think about the little details and images that could define these feelings. The scent of the beloved, the feel of skin on skin, the touch of fingers, the taste of the air, the sounds of breathing, all of these sensations and more could really add more depth and meaning to this.

    Basically, think beyond the means of simple wording and expression and make this into a poem that breathes of life. Make this your own.
    | Posted on 2010-02-14 00:00:00 | by Skyhawk | [ Reply to This ]


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