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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Hunter [Part One]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Saigo
    Elite Ratio:    4.65 - 2/3/4
    Words: 471
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 273
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2636



    Description:
       This is part one of the second short story I'm creating in a collective.. constructive criticism is welcome, praise is as well, so is absolute hatred.. but please try to be constructive :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Hunter [Part One]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Somewhere on the East coast, where not sand but rocks and cliffs lined the shore, two large, corpse-like dogs cornered a young woman. She took a step back, and part of the ground behind her gave way. Glancing down, she might as well have been at the edge of the Cliff's of Dover. One dog snapped it's jaws at her, dark saliva spewing from it's mouth, the other staying slightly behind, baring it's teeth no less. The wind was chilling, sending goosebumps up her legs. She had a tattered brown skirt that reached her knees, but was cut on both sides of the legs. Next time she came up here, she would choose a more suitable wardrobe, if she could find anything.

    Artemis had been looking for the dogs that ate her bear. She'd figured that she had killed all of the other canines in the area, but apparently not. These were the only two she had seen in a month, and none of the other surviving animals had the strength to carry off a bear carcass by themselves. Plus, nuked canines were the only things that worked in pairs. She wished their meat wasn't tainted, wasn't full of radiation and other chemicals, but it was rare to find pure meat nowadays. Most people had gone farther North to see if the animals were any better there than the canines here. Artemis chose to stay, and hunted the bear and moose. For some reason, not all animals were nuked, leaving a small amount of game for her to hunt and eat. The twelve-inch blade she held sat in her palm against her arm, hidden from the dogs' view. This was her chance. This was her kill.

    She stomped her left foot forward, startling the dog closest to her and causing him to leap. One bite from jaws like those and she was gone; infected with whatever chemicals flowed through it's veins. As it lunged at her, she side-stepped it, and slipped her blade between it's ribs before it even landed on the ground. It whined as it slid to the edge of the cliffs, then picked itself back up. It bared it's teeth at her again, but before a growl escaped it's throat, slumped to the ground, bubbling blood from it's mouth. Artemis had a way with extracting the poisons from scorpion sacks, and mixing them with the roots of certain plants. She could put this poison on her knife, but it was cleaned of the toxin now, and she still had one more dog to take down. Turning around, it stood exactly where it had been, baring it's teeth, eyes coolly staring her down. They were dark and glassy, like a frozen thundercloud trapped within it's head. This dog was smart. This dog was going to die.




    Submitted on 2010-02-13 20:58:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sorry about the odd spelling mistake there.
    | Posted on 2010-02-14 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay I have some criticism. It's a small thing but when you start to talk about what Artimis is wearing in the first paragraph, you do go on a little too much and risk taking the reader out of the tension of the moment.

    The skirt and cut legs is fine because it's relative to the situation but:

    She also wore a black tee shirt with no sleeves, exposing her mid-drift slightly.

    The reader doesn't need to know this, your drawing attentionj to her top when we should be fixed on the ravanous hounds.

    Aside from that line I think you really have taken the reader straight into the action in the first paragraph.

    My other gripe though is that the mid-section ruins the allure of the fight, It's too tied up with describing how she got involved in this situation. I would suggest putting these sections after the kill because the reader wants to know the backround information either before or after the encounter but to cut into the middle sort of breaks the momentum of the scene.

    Lastly, you could cut out the repitition of "dog" throughout. For instance:

    "Artemis had been looking for the DOGS that ate her bear. She'd figured that she had killed all of the other CANINES in the area, but apparently not. These were the only two DOGS she had seen in a month"

    When you see "these were the only two" we know you mean two dogs so theses no need to mention the word again.

    Also words like canine, hell-hound or even naming the type of Dog such as Rottweiller or Mastiff makes things sound better.









    But all in all I thought this was a dealy start to something and I'm only criticising weak parts because 1 you asked for it and 2the rest was so poloshed. Your writing was strong enough to avoid the mistakes most writers up here make with story's ie: Rushing through everything and overloading the reader with pointless information on the Charicters eye-colour, hair-style etc.

    I don't usuallly critique a post as much as I have tried to do here but I guess I really liked it and wanted to give you a tip or two in developing the structure.

    But yeah this is cool, kind of has an "I Am Legend" feel to it and I mean the book not the movie.

    Cheers

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2010-02-14 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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