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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Further.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 692
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 696



    Description:
       I do tend to write rather strange, and it's probably terrible and hard to understand. But bare with me. I am still learning. Thoughts please, and any suggestions you may have will help me. Thankyou.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFurther.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've been waiting some time now, to see you.
    All the while just longing to place my kiss upon your brow.
    But, when you turn around, all instead I see are,
    Broken places
    and
    Missing pieces where
    We'll never figure out our complicated murderous plan.
    And right; we never tend to be.

    I sailed that boat,
    While you just stood there tripping over the hanging ropes and food filled barels.
    I thought you knew the directions but you're careless.
    Careless as a mother bird who flew from her nest to feed the children,
    But that male bird winked his eye,
    And she followed him with a new plan.




    Submitted on 2010-02-16 15:15:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. Makes me sad but happy.. I told you i'm not good at giving comments -_-
    <3
    | Posted on 2010-03-27 00:00:00 | by m with two i_s | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this, and i find i can't really explain why but i like how you kind of reverse the language up a bit.

    too, carless... do you mean carless? or careless?
    if it is carless... it is a cool thought. either way.

    i have to say i kind of agree with the honey. i don't think it is needed and this would read a bit smoother without (imho).

    but anyway, i like how you have woven your thoughts.

    | Posted on 2010-02-20 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad. I take issue with you calling someone honey in a poem but I like the general breazyness. The images are decent enough and the legnth each line gives you a restrained subtle voice. Thanks for the comment. Keep what messing with your themes and you'll do well.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2010-02-16 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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