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    dots Submission Name: Further.dots

    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 623
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 696

       I do tend to write rather strange, and it's probably terrible and hard to understand. But bare with me. I am still learning. Thoughts please, and any suggestions you may have will help me. Thankyou.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I've been waiting some time now, to see you.
    All the while just longing to place my kiss upon your brow.
    But, when you turn around, all instead I see are,
    Broken places
    Missing pieces where
    We'll never figure out our complicated murderous plan.
    And right; we never tend to be.

    I sailed that boat,
    While you just stood there tripping over the hanging ropes and food filled barels.
    I thought you knew the directions but you're careless.
    Careless as a mother bird who flew from her nest to feed the children,
    But that male bird winked his eye,
    And she followed him with a new plan.

    Submitted on 2010-02-16 15:15:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. Makes me sad but happy.. I told you i'm not good at giving comments -_-
    | Posted on 2010-03-27 00:00:00 | by m with two i_s | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this, and i find i can't really explain why but i like how you kind of reverse the language up a bit.

    too, carless... do you mean carless? or careless?
    if it is carless... it is a cool thought. either way.

    i have to say i kind of agree with the honey. i don't think it is needed and this would read a bit smoother without (imho).

    but anyway, i like how you have woven your thoughts.

    | Posted on 2010-02-20 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad. I take issue with you calling someone honey in a poem but I like the general breazyness. The images are decent enough and the legnth each line gives you a restrained subtle voice. Thanks for the comment. Keep what messing with your themes and you'll do well.

    | Posted on 2010-02-16 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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