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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Monday Morningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: catechism42
    ASL Info:    31 / M / Pasadena, TX
    Elite Ratio:    2.13 - 5/18/33
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 581
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 806



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMonday Morningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The trickle of the small water fountain by his desk echoes off the cold tile floor in rythm with the oscillating rythm of the computer. A glare shines soft and white across the room from the flatscreen monitor above. And in the center of this triangulation of eminance he sits, body tired and slightly sore from poor posture and long hours in an old office chair. He sits and he thinks, of those he loves, of that which burdens his heart with sadness, of the hopes he has and the leaps in growth he has made, as well as his moments of foolishness and unkindness, and to him come the words of his friends and peers, family and teachers, and they support his heart. In his mind expands shifting patterns of scenes from the world and from dreams, and they remind him of what is beautiful and worth living for.




    Submitted on 2010-02-17 17:04:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i like the sureness of the voice, because this is quite a dangerous write in that it would be easy to become preachy. I think you avoided that well,and again, there's momentum here. I like the voice.

    I feel you have a slight problem because plurals

    In his mind expands shifting patterns of scenes from the world and from dreams, and they remind him of what is beautiful and worth living for.

    this might be more cohesive this way,

    In his mind expand shifting patterns of world scenes
    and from dreams, they(or >that) remind him of what is beautiful and worth living.

    enjoyed this.
    | Posted on 2010-02-20 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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