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    dots Submission Name: Helpingdots

    Author: Pantheory
    ASL Info:    15/Female/R.O.I.
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 5/2/4
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 480
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 542

       A poem written for the fun of it. I enjoyed writing it- I tried my best to keep it short.

    Thank you for reading~~

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    She picked up the pieces
    from no-man's land.
    For all the World's sorrows
    she held in her hands.

    She walked in her silence
    and let dew-drops see
    what seemed to be courage
    was not meant to be.

    She felt the World's thunder,
    she felt the World's pain.
    She felt Pandora's secrets
    rush through her veins.

    Yet, she was not burdened,
    for she did conceal
    the burden of others
    to know how it feels.

    Submitted on 2010-02-18 19:12:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hello, hola, hey,

    I like the rhyme scheme you've chosen. It's what I started out with when I first started out, and the good thing about it is that it allows you some space to fit what you want to say without the pressure of rhyming every line.

    Not that there should be any pressure, although poetry is an immediate thing, it can also be a deliberate thing, where there is no time limit on how long it takes.

    I think you did ok with the rhythm, and that is good to see. The more you practice the better that will become, and everyone is born with a different ear for words, but it's something that can be developed also.

    The best parts i like about the poem are the idea of grabbing something wartorn out of no-man's-land

    the sort of looking glass effect the dew drops gave,

    and I very much liked the selflessness of taking hits for planet population so that they wouldn't have to feel themselves, a conduit for pain.

    I'd write out the dew drops, and Padora's secrets, limit the use of 'burden', 'world's' anything and be very careful about the veins deal.

    I guess I'm ssaying that there's an awful lot that is going on here and the poem might be stronger if you fined down the imagery somewhat.

    Cheers ears.


    | Posted on 2010-02-20 00:00:00 | by theAlysonDiarys | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is heavy friend i love the way your words flow with one another. You have great talent here! Keep posting!!

    | Posted on 2010-02-18 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]

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