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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Missing Autumndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AshKetchumLuv
    ASL Info:    17/Ladeh/Nonyabeezwax
    Elite Ratio:    6.63 - 14/15/12
    Words: 14
    Class/Type: Haiku/Longing
    Total Views: 680
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 90



    Description:
       Short, sweet, and to the point. I'm just sad because it's still winter. T-T I want it to be fall again. D: Or at least spring...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMissing Autumndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Golden has turned brown.
    It has crumpled into dust.
    Months when gold again.




    Submitted on 2010-02-23 10:34:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with the last commentator about the repetition of words and in a haiku, I usually try to make the last line more important than the rest of the haiku. It brings a sense of drama and importance to what you're saying. At the moment, I'm slightly bored with your arrangement of words and structure of your ideas. What you're trying to say is clear, but poetry , especially haiku, goes beyond the literal, as you may know, to develop more meaningful emotions and connections with the reader.

    Right now I believe your second line holds the most poetic power and then the last line lowers the poem's energy, resulting in an off-putting experience.
    | Posted on 2010-02-26 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      so i like this.

    though i would almost consider changing the last line. generally i don't mind the repetition of words. but this seems too short for it.

    idk...

    maybe something like -

    Golden has turned brown.
    It has crumpled into dust.
    [Settled under foot]

    or

    [insert anything else here].


    though i like the thought of this. really.

    so an unspecified response...
    | Posted on 2010-02-23 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


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