Description: I know its lengthy but I hope that some have the time and patience to read the piece. Disclaimer about it I wrote everything then came up with the name in the end it jsut sorta fit the piece, Any and all criticizme is welcome this one dates back to november. (I removed the stanza in parenthesis)
hey i totally got goosebumps from this i want to be the girl and want someone to write amazing georgus things about the moon enveloping me this is very sweet and the flowis perfect and it isnt long and it could be my favorite of all the things of yours ive read <3 i really like this
Listen to WorththeWait and make those little corrections, also fix "then" to "than" in the last line. You need to learn the difference between those, dammit! =P Anyway, great piece. I don't think you need to describe her face because 1) it wouldn't fit, 2) it isn't relevant 3) it's ridiculously hard to describe a face without sounding trite these days. And yes, its also hard to use the word trite without sounding trite. Trite trite trite trite trite. There, I'm trite now. Go fix your poem. =P
My eyes kinda skipped over that paranthetical stanza the first time... it's not really needed, and rather disrupts the flow... as if a story-teller stopped in the middle of the cliff-hanger scene to re-assure his audience that all will end as it should.
Beyond that, this is an excellently written piece. A few spelling errors (see below), but the work itself creates a sense of mystery, of pain and joy, resignation, an etheareal (but REAL) level to the world.
Stanza 9, line 2 "bye"= "by" - were you trying for an old English spelling? If so, then it's fine, but you might modify other words to keep some consistancy to the style Stanza 10, line 3 "shown"="shone" (unless you meant that the darkness revealed her eyes... in which case "shown by" would be more appropriate.)
Stanza 11, line 3 "manor"="manner" A "manor" is the main house of large estate, usually English.
Again, these are little things. The work itself is excellent. <><
I would leave out the stanza in parentheses. the whole poem is very mysterious but this stanza destroys it. your descriptions and images are great. so vivid, as if I was there watching the whole scene. very interesting what you made out of the old myth. really good poem.
hey doll~ hate to nitpick, but in the 9th stanza 'bye' should be 'by'... the image of this is fantastic...i think you should describe what she looks like, in face, frame, hair color, etc, because then the reader gets a feel for the haunt... Persephone as i'm sure you know had to live in the underworld because of Hades, right, so its obvious to me that she cries because of her limited time or the people she misses, that sorta thing...i think no man could hld her and you pinpointed that...the watching her, seeing her smile, its kind of a saddening image even tho it is the baest attempt at "happy" she could ever find... i also liked it because its not a traditional image of Persephone, like it sorta feels like its in a diner somewhere or somethin, which was cool...no one's ever put a goddess in the local coffeeshop, so that's kinda a groovy twist on her immortality... wow, there are so many good things about this one and i would have so much fun playing with it! mind if i take a closer look a little later, hun? not that its not quite surreal as it is...but please...??? thats all i got for now, but i'll be back...~latah april