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    dots Submission Name: Persephone(edited)dots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 293
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 610
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1969

       I know its lengthy but I hope that some have the time and patience to read the piece. Disclaimer about it I wrote everything then came up with the name in the end it jsut sorta fit the piece, Any and all criticizme is welcome this one dates back to november. (I removed the stanza in parenthesis)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    It was a cold
    Saturday afternoon

    It was December
    When she walked in

    The room grew colder,
    but whether it was
    from the open door or
    the look on her face.
    Who could say

    Snow was in her hair
    frozen as if she
    were a ghost.
    Standing outside the flow of time

    Her face glistened.
    Disturbingly beautiful the icicles
    of once falling tears

    not a sound
    as she crossed the room
    not even as the door closed behind her

    In front of the window
    she sat and placed
    her head in her hands.
    Her motions were as if
    she had begun to weep

    Minutes, hours, maybe even
    days passed bye
    The room was dark
    save the moonlight
    that enveloped her like
    the arms of a forgotten love

    Gracefully she lifted her
    head and turned.
    Her eyes shown through
    the darkness.
    As if a portrait of green fields
    only spring could bring
    The room became warmer

    Standing elegantly
    as if she could do anything
    in a manor less becoming
    She smiled.

    but for the observer
    she had no love
    and she doesn’t know of lust

    He called to her
    but his voice failed him

    No name had he for her
    but he called to her

    Though his voice failed him
    he found a name


    he called

    To late
    she had already stepped
    through the door
    melting snow and ice as
    she went forward
    She brought spring to the man

    but he cared not
    She left as fast
    as she arrived
    and though the sun
    was upon his face
    he could do little more
    then shiver

    Submitted on 2004-07-23 16:07:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      hey i totally got goosebumps from this
    i want to be the girl
    and want someone to write amazing georgus things about the moon enveloping me
    this is very sweet
    and the flowis perfect
    and it isnt long
    and it could be my favorite of all the things of yours ive read
    i really like this
    | Posted on 2004-09-15 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]
      Listen to WorththeWait and make those little corrections, also fix "then" to "than" in the last line. You need to learn the difference between those, dammit! =P Anyway, great piece. I don't think you need to describe her face because 1) it wouldn't fit, 2) it isn't relevant 3) it's ridiculously hard to describe a face without sounding trite these days. And yes, its also hard to use the word trite without sounding trite. Trite trite trite trite trite. There, I'm trite now. Go fix your poem. =P
    | Posted on 2004-07-26 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      My eyes kinda skipped over that paranthetical stanza the first time... it's not really needed, and rather disrupts the flow... as if a story-teller stopped in the middle of the cliff-hanger scene to re-assure his audience that all will end as it should.

    Beyond that, this is an excellently written piece. A few spelling errors (see below), but the work itself creates a sense of mystery, of pain and joy, resignation, an etheareal (but REAL) level to the world.

    Stanza 9, line 2 "bye"= "by" - were you trying for an old English spelling? If so, then it's fine, but you might modify other words to keep some consistancy to the style
    Stanza 10, line 3 "shown"="shone" (unless you meant that the darkness revealed her eyes... in which case "shown by" would be more appropriate.)

    Stanza 11, line 3 "manor"="manner" A "manor" is the main house of large estate, usually English.

    Again, these are little things. The work itself is excellent. <><
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by WorththeWait | [ Reply to This ]
      I would leave out the stanza in parentheses. the whole poem is very mysterious but this stanza destroys it. your descriptions and images are great. so vivid, as if I was there watching the whole scene. very interesting what you made out of the old myth. really good poem.
    | Posted on 2004-07-24 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      oops...i meant no man could HOLD her, and that its her BEST attempt at happy...wow, before i offer stuff maybe i could learn how to spell...that would be great...okay sorry and bye again! ~april
    | Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      hey doll~
    hate to nitpick, but in the 9th stanza 'bye' should be 'by'...
    the image of this is fantastic...i think you should describe what she looks like, in face, frame, hair color, etc, because then the reader gets a feel for the haunt...
    Persephone as i'm sure you know had to live in the underworld because of Hades, right, so its obvious to me that she cries because of her limited time or the people she misses, that sorta thing...i think no man could hld her and you pinpointed that...the watching her, seeing her smile, its kind of a saddening image even tho it is the baest attempt at "happy" she could ever find...
    i also liked it because its not a traditional image of Persephone, like it sorta feels like its in a diner somewhere or somethin, which was cool...no one's ever put a goddess in the local coffeeshop, so that's kinda a groovy twist on her immortality...
    wow, there are so many good things about this one and i would have so much fun playing with it! mind if i take a closer look a little later, hun? not that its not quite surreal as it is...but please...???
    thats all i got for now, but i'll be back...~latah
    | Posted on 2004-07-23 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]

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