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    dots Submission Name: My Path.dots

    Author: edcherry
    Elite Ratio:    6.91 - 197/67/22
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1203
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
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    dotsMy Path.dots

    Japanese Form Poem, Dique, (pronounced die cue.) Requirements:- each stanza's lines must all ryhme, and the syllable count per line per stanza must be
    5, 9. 7. 9.
    My Path

    I walk my own way,
    while my family in fear all pray
    for me, that I will not stray
    from my pathway, and be lost one day.

    The way that I go,
    is where I perceive that I may sow
    those seeds, I have need to grow
    with my love, tenderness, and my hoe.

    When strengthened and tall
    with maturity, then will I call
    upon them, that they may all
    fight against sin, and cause it to fall.

    Submitted on 2010-02-27 23:10:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I didn't mean a quartet (below), I meant a quattrain. What a howler. Though I guess a quartet all playing A at once would work pretty poorly too?
    | Posted on 2010-03-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      After the comment below, I thought of a couple of details that I noticed.

    After "pathway" and ""seeds" you have put commas which interfere with reading out loud; they are pauses best left to the performer or the reader's inner hearing, because a comma is too strong! Also maybe after "tenderness".

    The inversion "will I" seems to have no reason for not being "I will", except maybe to suit "I call" with "may all" better than "will call". That's actually (I claim) a great reason for the inversion, and an example of what I reckon (below) about variations in rhyming that we can discover. But this is a subtle one, and maybe most readers would rather read ''I will" than "will I".

    Maybe the internal rhyme pathway/day ought to be thrown out because not only does it unnecessarily add to the monotony of perfect rhyming, but also repeats "way" from the first line without a poetical purpose for the repetition. "path, and so ..." would do it maybe?
    | Posted on 2010-03-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I love rhyme, and this poem is making me think about translation. Now, in English we have strong or weak rhymes, half or whole rhymes, vowel or consonant endings, sense rhyming, etc., I never actually found a book that covers it all, but anyway there is huge and varied resource for rhyming. Well, I bet that in Japanese they had different rules and resources for rhyming than we do?

    To criticize this poem's form, I first notice that the rhymes in the first stanza are monotonous, not so good an effect; but in the second stanza the sounds are the same but not monotonous. Why? I think it might be that the eye is working with the ear when we read verse. Well, S1's rhymes are ear and eye perfect, but S2 has variety to the eye, since the rhyming is more free in its spelling!

    If I were doing this verseform, which I might soon because you just got me interested (!) I would be trying very wildly to apply the luxurious variety of English rhyming to this Japanese rule, in a search for a fresh answer to this problem, that a quartet aaaa seems to suck in English even though it must be superbly elegant in Japanese!!
    | Posted on 2010-03-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

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