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    dots Submission Name: Dreamdots

    Author: monad
    ASL Info:    64/M/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1092/410/117
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1415
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 734

       I don't have much romantic poetry but I like this pretty well

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I thought I saw you there naked and alone
    Like a wish I made at Christmas all dressed in earthen tones
    All misty water color hues and clouds with sunshine on
    Fading into rainbows that smiled and were gone
    Beside the mighty ocean with its thundering primal tide
    Your savage beauty's innocence shone from deep inside
    I love you once , I love you twice , I love you for all time
    To me you are perfection in syncopated rhyme
    I always knew I'd find you there I know you with my mind
    A place where I have always been and may never leave behind
    I bring to you my hopes and dreams things that may never be
    To dwell with you forever beside our lonely tree

    Submitted on 2010-02-28 03:42:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I've never known a Sea Witch to be benevolent, but these words might soften an impenetrable shell.
    | Posted on 2017-09-19 00:00:00 | by endlessgame23 | [ Reply to This ]
      Romantic and dreamy indeed. This fills me with butterflies in my belly and harmony in my mind. Don't we wish for our reality to play out as our dreams do. At least we have the night to dream and no one can take that away from us.
    | Posted on 2015-02-03 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]
      You asked for first impressions, so here are mine.
    Dreams are the one place you can have things the way you truly want them. The this piece inhibits that for me. Always seeking out the space...that in between where all is reciprocated and content with their world.

    Yep that is what this said to me.

    all misty water color hues and clouds with sunshine on
    Fading into rainbows that smiled and were gone

    | Posted on 2014-05-16 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      It is exquisite and very profound. Loved it. Thanks for letting me know about it.
    | Posted on 2013-09-29 00:00:00 | by Ramneet | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way you worked this rhyming romance...its rhythm is looser than "Willow"'s; almost laid back in a way.
    That suits a dream perfectly.
    And I'm interested to notice that you paired a tree and the ocean in both romance poems I've read of yours.
    I wonder about that.
    Do you use the tree and the (stream flowing into the) ocean to show a love only from afar, never to be joined; or is it to show that love can conquer distance and difference?

    Also, I think you may have meant
    "Fading into rainbows that smiled and were gone"
    rather than
    "Fading into rainbows that smiled and where gone".

    All in all, this is a lovely write, Bruce!

    Thanks for pointing me this way.

    | Posted on 2012-01-30 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm more for violating form than sticking to it..

    this isn't exact but it has a feel to it...and there is rhythm...maybe not perfect...but i like the wording..i like the tree idea...like a christmas tree is our tree and the wish i wish is the present i found under it...'you and i being we"

    and i like the "mind" idea...i know you with my mind and love you...not just for your body, not just for the physical part of you...but all of you...

    yes, i am glad you suggested this, Bruce, because i really like the feeling i got from it...

    i am more in tune with this kind of writing that you do...
    and something you had said in your message about trying to find the right word for the rhyme....mmmm...i really don't struggle to do that too much..cause i am not such a rhyme fan...i mostly do free verse unless the rhyme comes very naturally...if i have to force it..the poem will feel stilted to me...and contrived...so i stay away from that as much as possible...but then sometimes i just think in sync with rhyme and if so, so be it.

    but again...i do really like this piece much.

    i feel its heart.

    | Posted on 2011-03-27 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is clearly heartfelt but suffers greatly from its lack of meter, something that's particularly important when you're going to employ rhyming couplets. In many lines it feels as though it wants to be iambic heptameter, which is a great meter for romantic poetry (sonnet purists will disagree, but I think the longer line is ideal -- more heartbeats for your buck). For example, consider:

    "I thought I saw you standing there, all naked and alone:
    A wish I made at Christmas time, dressed up in earthen tones
    In misty watercolour hues and clouds with sunshine on
    That faded into rainbows, paused to smile and then were gone."

    Not wishing to rewrite your poem, but I'm sure you know that rhyme is greatly enhanced by meter (and you can't just excuse it by calling it syncopated either ;) -- though if you wanted to be clever you could change up the meter in that one line for effect).
    | Posted on 2011-01-04 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]
      My experience with romantic poetry shows that if the woman likes you and you tell her you wrote if for her.
    She will love it. Ok it has to be a heartfelt attempt. If she does not like you then you are just a stalker no matter how good the poem is. my impression of this poem is that it would be suitable and does qualify as romantic.

    I am not sure about that last line. It has an untouchable like she might be dead and gone aspect to it.
    | Posted on 2010-12-04 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]

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