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    dots Submission Name: Besoughtdots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 32
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 643
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 224


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    The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,
    The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears;
    I've climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine,
    And now I've time to question
    My deference.

    Submitted on 2010-03-08 02:43:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like all the lines except the closing.

    I can appreciate the subtlety of the close, but given the lines that precede it and the certain momentum that they build, and they do build momentum, I think that the close is a nice idea that is maybe a bit too clever for itself. It not really enough hook to hang a poem on.

    I appreciate the attempt and the bravery/thought involved but no, I don't quite think it gets it done.

    I think maybe a slight structural change would allow for a horns of the bull attack.

    something like....

    And now I've time to question
    My deference.

    but when the balustrades were crumbling at Versailles, the darkened posts of sintered dust and tears; etc etc

    and then that allows you to be as subtle as you like at the close because it's set up the question and the atmosphere.... from there you really could attack that deference, which to me seems the key moment in the poem, and at present that is lacking.

    just some thoughts.


    | Posted on 2010-03-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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