Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 139 /256 /171
Words: 32
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1095
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 224



The balustrades are crumbling at Versailles,
The darkened posts of sintered dust and tears;
I've climbed them, nail by nail, and wine to wine,
And now I've time to question
My deference.

Submitted on 2010-03-08 02:43:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I like all the lines except the closing.

I can appreciate the subtlety of the close, but given the lines that precede it and the certain momentum that they build, and they do build momentum, I think that the close is a nice idea that is maybe a bit too clever for itself. It not really enough hook to hang a poem on.

I appreciate the attempt and the bravery/thought involved but no, I don't quite think it gets it done.

I think maybe a slight structural change would allow for a horns of the bull attack.

something like....

And now I've time to question
My deference.

but when the balustrades were crumbling at Versailles, the darkened posts of sintered dust and tears; etc etc

and then that allows you to be as subtle as you like at the close because it's set up the question and the atmosphere.... from there you really could attack that deference, which to me seems the key moment in the poem, and at present that is lacking.

just some thoughts.


| Posted on 2010-03-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?